The first week of school is always the worst.
It's the week that I'm stressing about whether or not I remembered to bring the things I needed (there's always at least one thing left behind). Its the week that I'm showing up too late or too early (I haven't quite figured out how long it takes me to get from point A to point B). It's the week that I'm figuring out how to pay for the textbooks, the rent, the food, and the gas.
Oh geeze. No parenthesis needed there. I am always kicking "past me" in the butt for not saving up enough money over the summer to deal with this crap. I mean, you'd think that I'd know by now that it takes a couple hundred bucks to pay for the overpriced dead-weights teachers call 'important information for understanding the material'. Freaking textbooks... I had to borrow $250 from my older brother, because I didn't have enough to pay for the ridiculous Chemistry book. Its always good to order the books online, cus that's cheaper... but then these dang teachers expect you to have your material the next day. On top of that, I've got rent coming up, and I still haven't eaten a real meal.
Aside from that one that the church was serving... That was weird. I was really hungry on Tuesday, when I happened to pass a sign that said that a certain church had a sort of college outreach program where they would serve free lunch on Tuesday afternoons. Ha-ha!! Free food!!! I felt like a freaking street urchin.
I just needed to get that one out there. I've actually got a bit more heavy stuff than that on my mind right now. I'm not sure if I can express it well enough... Now, don't worry. Its not nearly as heavy as my past posts have been. But maybe its a follow-up to those. A question of why those posts exist. Not an explanation, that is. Just... a question.
Why do I write these things?
Why is it that my life is so horribly affected by these things.
Yeah. I was right. I can't express anymore. I'm really bogged down right now. I don't think I can even bring myself to focus enough on an episode of Adventure Time to find the snail. Did you know that snail was in every single episode? Well it is. Take a look.
I don't even know why I logged in today.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
StarCrush
I feel as if I would be extremely vulnerable to inception.
Okay, not feel. I know I would be. It's almost sad, really, how much my dreams affect my waking self. "But Emix," you say, "dreams are important. We all need to follow our dreams, so that we can be happy and sing in harmony together and hold hands around the Tree of Life".
Please. Obviously, thats not what I mean. English really should come up with a new word to distinguish the two meanings. I'm talking about those dreams I have when I'm deeply asleep. Like the one I had the other day, where I had a house party at my friend's house sitting client's place, while the family was still there. They had fifty dogs, a raccoon, and a giant ant eater. So no, I'm not gonna follow those dreams.
But as I was saying. Inception. I would be horribly and fearfully vulnerable to it.
My earliest realization was when I developed my crush on Luke Skywalker in the 6th grade. I had never even seen the freaking movies. For all I knew, Luke and Spock were best friends, going on intergalactic space missions to team up with Michael Jordan and save the Looney Toons. The only thing I was sure of was that in my dream, Luke had handed me a purple Light Saber, and we saved the freaking day.
My favorite animal was changed from cats to brown bears due to a dramatic tale of a bear cub and a young girl, who found each other by chance, and changed each others lives forever through circus performing and pirate ship invading. Batman was no longer an annoyingly overrated and powerless superhero because I sniffed him, and told him he smelt like 'money stew' (what?!). I started to like the zombie thing after a courageous "last stand" that me and my classmates took.
Point being: if you ever obtain the technology to plant yourself inside my dreams, you will become my arch enemy.
Okay, not feel. I know I would be. It's almost sad, really, how much my dreams affect my waking self. "But Emix," you say, "dreams are important. We all need to follow our dreams, so that we can be happy and sing in harmony together and hold hands around the Tree of Life".
Please. Obviously, thats not what I mean. English really should come up with a new word to distinguish the two meanings. I'm talking about those dreams I have when I'm deeply asleep. Like the one I had the other day, where I had a house party at my friend's house sitting client's place, while the family was still there. They had fifty dogs, a raccoon, and a giant ant eater. So no, I'm not gonna follow those dreams.
But as I was saying. Inception. I would be horribly and fearfully vulnerable to it.
My earliest realization was when I developed my crush on Luke Skywalker in the 6th grade. I had never even seen the freaking movies. For all I knew, Luke and Spock were best friends, going on intergalactic space missions to team up with Michael Jordan and save the Looney Toons. The only thing I was sure of was that in my dream, Luke had handed me a purple Light Saber, and we saved the freaking day.
My favorite animal was changed from cats to brown bears due to a dramatic tale of a bear cub and a young girl, who found each other by chance, and changed each others lives forever through circus performing and pirate ship invading. Batman was no longer an annoyingly overrated and powerless superhero because I sniffed him, and told him he smelt like 'money stew' (what?!). I started to like the zombie thing after a courageous "last stand" that me and my classmates took.
Point being: if you ever obtain the technology to plant yourself inside my dreams, you will become my arch enemy.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Don't Read This One
Oh. Oh gosh.
I think I've reached a point. A really serious point. And it scares me a little. Okay, understatement. It scares me a lot. A hella lot. Can I even write this? I mean, I could. I don't have to worry about my parents or close friends seeing it. But I'm not sure if I could look back and read this. Cus I do that, sometimes, you know. Look back on old posts, see where I was at a certain point in my life. I do that on my tumblr. Which, uh... just to distract myself from saying what I'm actually thinking, I'll go ahead and post a link. Its made up of pictures that I take, one a day. The picture best represents the theme of that day. I've gotten really bad about doing it, though. My days lately have been uneventful. Or consisting of the same things over and over again. Anyway, pictures along with quotes, or defining thoughts. Sometimes a song that found a way to weave into my life.
http://allthatslefttodo.tumblr.com
So... Theres that...
Some of my friends actually follow me on that. So I can't post anything too personal on there. And I honestly don't want to write stuff in my book. That would... probably be better? Easier, anyway, than putting stuff on the internet. But I keep reassuring myself that nobody that I know is gonna read it, and that every other person in the world is... well... okay, yes. Is. Not "is reading", just... is. I can't even say it.
But everyone else in the world is. But that doesn't mean I want to. But I do want to. And yet don't, simply because everyone else is.
I'm not making any sense. I don't even think Future Me will be able to interpret.
But I'm dying. Oh my gosh. I'm depressed. I'm legit depressed. How on earth can I say that without saying it? (Oh, wait, I mean, thats not what I was talking about before. This is actually something completely different. I'm going off on tangents. I can't think clearly.) Geeze. What am I supposed to do about that? I don't wanna freaking talk about my feelings. I think about them enough. I run the story through my mind every day. The whole story. I started to tell someone once. But then the morning birds started to sing. Thought maybe we should try to sleep. Never finished the story. Now I don't think it ever will be finished. Nobody deserves to know. Maybe I let pieces slip by... I can't help it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to explode. Or just crumble. Probably something anticlimactic, like that.
So this is probably a horrible time to reach the point that I have, as previously stated, reached. Its rash and unrealistic and will probably hurt... probably? Definitely. This would most definitely cause me more pain in the end. Is that a risk I want to make? Yeah, I almost think it is... would the regret be worth it? Would I regret? Can I just say that I won't regret? I had better do that. If I even mention regret, it becomes a living thing. If you avoid certain emotions, I think they smother and die. So don't mention the 'r' word again. Thats the worst of them.
Because, if anything, I think I would regret not doing this.
Oh, geeze. You're wondering what 'this' is, still. I... Okay... nobody is reading.... nobody is reading... I'm alone, and only ranting to myself...
Don't laugh at me?
Who am I talking to....? I think I'm talking to myself. I'm asking myself not to laugh at me. I'm asking myself not to read. I'm asking myself to not look. Where am I?
I think... I think I wanna have sex with him.
You remember 'him', right? Did I say his name? I did. But I'm not gonna say it this time.
I can't think of what all I've said about him recently. I know for certain I've said I was in pain, since we broke up. So what the hell... This is a horrible idea. And tell me!! If you're a stranger, TELL ME that I'm being an idiot. Unless I've already posted another one saying that I already did it. In that case, you sure as hell better keep those comments to yourself. The 'r' word, you know...
But seriously. Why. Okay... this sounds so dumb... I'm a virgin, right? Why am I a virgin? Good question. No, really.
Of course, it started with the way I was raised. I was always told to save sex for marriage. But I don't think that's why I never did. Because as I was living by that, there was just never a reason for me to give it up. Thats not the reason I never kissed anyone. That was purely out of stubbornness. That, and nobody was good enough. So after I finally got into the situation, by the time I was 19, with previously-mentioned-male, it became a matter of not being ready. I just wasn't ready. I said it was because I wanted to wait until marriage. And... I wonder how long thats been true? I just wasn't... ready. But if I had said that, he would have been waiting for a time I was ready. And I didn't want to battle with that. So by saying I would never be ready, it was easier to avoid.
So, right. Never had sex before. And now that this guy has broken my heart, and basically been toying with me all summer... I want to have sex with him?
What the hell? What the freaking hell?
He was my best friend. And I won't ever be able to forget him. He's leaving soon. Be gone for half a year. Army-whatever thing. He's a virgin, too. How? Like, seriously... how. That question is unanswerable. But this summer has been unbearable for me. I can't be around him anymore. I can't be friends with him anymore. I don't want to see him. Talk to him. Be near him.
So I thought... Maybe... maybe I could just... have sex with him. Then never speak to him again.
This isn't like, some sort of vengeance or way of releasing myself. Its not spiteful, or a sort of hope that maybe we can be happy again. I know we don't have a future. So maybe that's why.. Maybe I just want... I don't know.
Talk me out of it. I know I'm crazy. But I think I want to.
I think I've reached a point. A really serious point. And it scares me a little. Okay, understatement. It scares me a lot. A hella lot. Can I even write this? I mean, I could. I don't have to worry about my parents or close friends seeing it. But I'm not sure if I could look back and read this. Cus I do that, sometimes, you know. Look back on old posts, see where I was at a certain point in my life. I do that on my tumblr. Which, uh... just to distract myself from saying what I'm actually thinking, I'll go ahead and post a link. Its made up of pictures that I take, one a day. The picture best represents the theme of that day. I've gotten really bad about doing it, though. My days lately have been uneventful. Or consisting of the same things over and over again. Anyway, pictures along with quotes, or defining thoughts. Sometimes a song that found a way to weave into my life.
http://allthatslefttodo.tumblr.com
So... Theres that...
Some of my friends actually follow me on that. So I can't post anything too personal on there. And I honestly don't want to write stuff in my book. That would... probably be better? Easier, anyway, than putting stuff on the internet. But I keep reassuring myself that nobody that I know is gonna read it, and that every other person in the world is... well... okay, yes. Is. Not "is reading", just... is. I can't even say it.
But everyone else in the world is. But that doesn't mean I want to. But I do want to. And yet don't, simply because everyone else is.
I'm not making any sense. I don't even think Future Me will be able to interpret.
But I'm dying. Oh my gosh. I'm depressed. I'm legit depressed. How on earth can I say that without saying it? (Oh, wait, I mean, thats not what I was talking about before. This is actually something completely different. I'm going off on tangents. I can't think clearly.) Geeze. What am I supposed to do about that? I don't wanna freaking talk about my feelings. I think about them enough. I run the story through my mind every day. The whole story. I started to tell someone once. But then the morning birds started to sing. Thought maybe we should try to sleep. Never finished the story. Now I don't think it ever will be finished. Nobody deserves to know. Maybe I let pieces slip by... I can't help it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to explode. Or just crumble. Probably something anticlimactic, like that.
So this is probably a horrible time to reach the point that I have, as previously stated, reached. Its rash and unrealistic and will probably hurt... probably? Definitely. This would most definitely cause me more pain in the end. Is that a risk I want to make? Yeah, I almost think it is... would the regret be worth it? Would I regret? Can I just say that I won't regret? I had better do that. If I even mention regret, it becomes a living thing. If you avoid certain emotions, I think they smother and die. So don't mention the 'r' word again. Thats the worst of them.
Because, if anything, I think I would regret not doing this.
Oh, geeze. You're wondering what 'this' is, still. I... Okay... nobody is reading.... nobody is reading... I'm alone, and only ranting to myself...
Don't laugh at me?
Who am I talking to....? I think I'm talking to myself. I'm asking myself not to laugh at me. I'm asking myself not to read. I'm asking myself to not look. Where am I?
I think... I think I wanna have sex with him.
You remember 'him', right? Did I say his name? I did. But I'm not gonna say it this time.
I can't think of what all I've said about him recently. I know for certain I've said I was in pain, since we broke up. So what the hell... This is a horrible idea. And tell me!! If you're a stranger, TELL ME that I'm being an idiot. Unless I've already posted another one saying that I already did it. In that case, you sure as hell better keep those comments to yourself. The 'r' word, you know...
But seriously. Why. Okay... this sounds so dumb... I'm a virgin, right? Why am I a virgin? Good question. No, really.
Of course, it started with the way I was raised. I was always told to save sex for marriage. But I don't think that's why I never did. Because as I was living by that, there was just never a reason for me to give it up. Thats not the reason I never kissed anyone. That was purely out of stubbornness. That, and nobody was good enough. So after I finally got into the situation, by the time I was 19, with previously-mentioned-male, it became a matter of not being ready. I just wasn't ready. I said it was because I wanted to wait until marriage. And... I wonder how long thats been true? I just wasn't... ready. But if I had said that, he would have been waiting for a time I was ready. And I didn't want to battle with that. So by saying I would never be ready, it was easier to avoid.
So, right. Never had sex before. And now that this guy has broken my heart, and basically been toying with me all summer... I want to have sex with him?
What the hell? What the freaking hell?
He was my best friend. And I won't ever be able to forget him. He's leaving soon. Be gone for half a year. Army-whatever thing. He's a virgin, too. How? Like, seriously... how. That question is unanswerable. But this summer has been unbearable for me. I can't be around him anymore. I can't be friends with him anymore. I don't want to see him. Talk to him. Be near him.
So I thought... Maybe... maybe I could just... have sex with him. Then never speak to him again.
This isn't like, some sort of vengeance or way of releasing myself. Its not spiteful, or a sort of hope that maybe we can be happy again. I know we don't have a future. So maybe that's why.. Maybe I just want... I don't know.
Talk me out of it. I know I'm crazy. But I think I want to.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Going Greek
So...
Remember that post from a while ago? February 2012. The one about the dogs. It was a list of dogs that I wanted, and why.
Well. Since then, I've had some events that changed my mind on those. I've now narrowed my desire to two dogs that were never even close to being on the list before.
But first, let me explain my reason for change...
As I have said before, I recently changed my direction in college. I went from an art freak to a biology monster. Don't ask me why. Cus I honestly have no idea. I'm so bad at science. But I'm stubborn, so we'll see how this goes. Anyway, the idea was that I would go to vet school. Mainly because I had started to become obsessed with dogs. Its weird, cus I've always preferred cats... But maybe the combination of my (now ex)boyfriend being allergic to dogs and the prospect of not being able to have one in the future mixed with the animal shelter back at school that kept up my sanity when I was lonely (not to mention the lovely Nicholas Sparks' frequent use of dog themes in his overly romantic stories) made me slightly alter my preferences. Either way, various events pushed me to change my course of action. I mean, after all, you don't need college to be an artist. You just need determination. And... well I just didn't want to drop out. Its a scary thought. So essentially I decided I wanted a job that paid a lot of money so that I could actually afford to pay for good art supplies. It seems like a good plan, right?
I'm losing my train of thought.
So I'm a biology major. For now, anyway. And as a biology major, its necessary that I get some experience. So when I came back for the summer, I did some job searching. I was determined not to work at Sonic again. I was done with that. I even turned in my shirts to my college-town branch. I'll be taking a job at another place come school year. But as for the summer, I needed something new. Something that would apply to my interests.
I turned in applications to a vet clinic, which was a logical choice. But then also to a dog kennel. But not just any dog kennel. This was the dog kennel. Hundreds of dogs, both boarding and daycare, running around all day long, having the time of their freaking lives.
This was some intense stuff. Of course, I preferred the kennel. Geeze, it just looked way more fun.
Long story short, I got the job. And now, here I am. Working at a freak'n dog party. Its so amazing. 8-6 job, and wears me out. But its so worth it. If it means I'm playing with dogs instead of mixing milk shakes, I'd work even longer. (that's an exaggeration...)
So now that I've been working there for a while, I've gotten in close contact with some breeds. I've actually met, if some in only short contact, all of the ones that I listed. The Saint Bernards were only there a couple days, and were never under my supervision. The only Dalmatian I met was old, fat, and grumpy, and wasn't allowed to play with the other dogs. The Great Danes were sweet, though one was terrified of everything. I only saw the sheep dog in passing. And the Great Pyrenees belongs to one of the workers, so I see him often. My opinion of each hasn't changed to much.
Now... the boxers. The dogs I have been obsessed with for years. I still love them! Don't mistake me! But.. goodness. Those babies can slobber. And they're super aggressive. And have weird faces. Uhm... geeze, I can feel it now. You dog lovers out there are probably reading this growing furious at my shallow observations. Well just give me a break and walk away. I'm not in the mood to read some angry comment.
However, while I loved tons of dogs that I worked with, there were two in particular that I died for. Both of them were German Shepherds.
Case was a young puppy. He would bounce around the "small dog yard" with his friend, Quinn, the Great Dane puppy. They would roll around on the ground, and flop around with their awkwardly large paws. Case would talk to all the other dogs with his silly little bark, and for real crack me up. In the "big dog yard", there was another Shepherd named Slate. He was mostly black, and has so incredibly sweet. I can't really say a whole lot about him, except that I adored him.
On the other hand, I was once looking up hypoallergenic dogs. It annoyed me that there were so many people allergic to dogs, and the possibility of not being allowed to have one killed me. All of the breeds were... lame. Freaking Shih Tzu. They look like Ewoks, but still. I don't like them. The only large dogs on the list were Poodles and Labradoodles. Both of which seemed awful. Until...
Oh, Bella. The sweetest freaking dog ever. I love her!!! Labradoodles are so adorable. Bella, Oliver, Brewer... I can't get over them!! And they don't shed?! Okay. They aren't so bad after all.
So I've reached a conclusion. Long ago, my family had a golden, that we had rescued from the pound. Crazy-hyper guy was named Apollo. He died a horrible death. Antifreeze poisoning, we think from one of our neighbors. But he was such a sweetheart. When you were sad, he would just lay his head on your lap. Or if you wanted to talk to somebody, you could just stand near the railing of the porch, and he would prop his front legs up, and stare off into the distance, like everything you had to say required deep thought. Or if you to happy to contain yourself, he LOVED dancing with you. He would happily wear the costumes my 10-year-old self would dress him in. He was the prince of the kingdom who fell in love with the local nurse (Abby didn't like to wear her nurse hat as much as Apollo liked his crown).
Oh lord. I could talk about him all day. He was a good dog. A good dog...
In honor of him, my brother had always aspired to get a dog and continue with a Greek mythology theme. A month ago, he picked up Achilles from the shelter. The Shepherd-Lab-Husky mix is so incredibly adorable. Two years old, and hyper off the walls. My dad says he has spirit. He's sleeping at the end of my bed as I type.
So it is my turn to do the same thing, right? The whole point of this super-drawn-out-post was to put into writing what kind of dog I wanted. So... yes.
My little German Shepherd girl would have to be named Artemis or Athena. If I were to get a doodle instead, it would have to be a little boy, whose name could only be Hermes.
... Well.
That was anticlimactic.
Remember that post from a while ago? February 2012. The one about the dogs. It was a list of dogs that I wanted, and why.
Well. Since then, I've had some events that changed my mind on those. I've now narrowed my desire to two dogs that were never even close to being on the list before.
But first, let me explain my reason for change...
As I have said before, I recently changed my direction in college. I went from an art freak to a biology monster. Don't ask me why. Cus I honestly have no idea. I'm so bad at science. But I'm stubborn, so we'll see how this goes. Anyway, the idea was that I would go to vet school. Mainly because I had started to become obsessed with dogs. Its weird, cus I've always preferred cats... But maybe the combination of my (now ex)boyfriend being allergic to dogs and the prospect of not being able to have one in the future mixed with the animal shelter back at school that kept up my sanity when I was lonely (not to mention the lovely Nicholas Sparks' frequent use of dog themes in his overly romantic stories) made me slightly alter my preferences. Either way, various events pushed me to change my course of action. I mean, after all, you don't need college to be an artist. You just need determination. And... well I just didn't want to drop out. Its a scary thought. So essentially I decided I wanted a job that paid a lot of money so that I could actually afford to pay for good art supplies. It seems like a good plan, right?
I'm losing my train of thought.
So I'm a biology major. For now, anyway. And as a biology major, its necessary that I get some experience. So when I came back for the summer, I did some job searching. I was determined not to work at Sonic again. I was done with that. I even turned in my shirts to my college-town branch. I'll be taking a job at another place come school year. But as for the summer, I needed something new. Something that would apply to my interests.
I turned in applications to a vet clinic, which was a logical choice. But then also to a dog kennel. But not just any dog kennel. This was the dog kennel. Hundreds of dogs, both boarding and daycare, running around all day long, having the time of their freaking lives.
This was some intense stuff. Of course, I preferred the kennel. Geeze, it just looked way more fun.
Long story short, I got the job. And now, here I am. Working at a freak'n dog party. Its so amazing. 8-6 job, and wears me out. But its so worth it. If it means I'm playing with dogs instead of mixing milk shakes, I'd work even longer. (that's an exaggeration...)
So now that I've been working there for a while, I've gotten in close contact with some breeds. I've actually met, if some in only short contact, all of the ones that I listed. The Saint Bernards were only there a couple days, and were never under my supervision. The only Dalmatian I met was old, fat, and grumpy, and wasn't allowed to play with the other dogs. The Great Danes were sweet, though one was terrified of everything. I only saw the sheep dog in passing. And the Great Pyrenees belongs to one of the workers, so I see him often. My opinion of each hasn't changed to much.
Now... the boxers. The dogs I have been obsessed with for years. I still love them! Don't mistake me! But.. goodness. Those babies can slobber. And they're super aggressive. And have weird faces. Uhm... geeze, I can feel it now. You dog lovers out there are probably reading this growing furious at my shallow observations. Well just give me a break and walk away. I'm not in the mood to read some angry comment.
However, while I loved tons of dogs that I worked with, there were two in particular that I died for. Both of them were German Shepherds.
Case was a young puppy. He would bounce around the "small dog yard" with his friend, Quinn, the Great Dane puppy. They would roll around on the ground, and flop around with their awkwardly large paws. Case would talk to all the other dogs with his silly little bark, and for real crack me up. In the "big dog yard", there was another Shepherd named Slate. He was mostly black, and has so incredibly sweet. I can't really say a whole lot about him, except that I adored him.
On the other hand, I was once looking up hypoallergenic dogs. It annoyed me that there were so many people allergic to dogs, and the possibility of not being allowed to have one killed me. All of the breeds were... lame. Freaking Shih Tzu. They look like Ewoks, but still. I don't like them. The only large dogs on the list were Poodles and Labradoodles. Both of which seemed awful. Until...
Oh, Bella. The sweetest freaking dog ever. I love her!!! Labradoodles are so adorable. Bella, Oliver, Brewer... I can't get over them!! And they don't shed?! Okay. They aren't so bad after all.
So I've reached a conclusion. Long ago, my family had a golden, that we had rescued from the pound. Crazy-hyper guy was named Apollo. He died a horrible death. Antifreeze poisoning, we think from one of our neighbors. But he was such a sweetheart. When you were sad, he would just lay his head on your lap. Or if you wanted to talk to somebody, you could just stand near the railing of the porch, and he would prop his front legs up, and stare off into the distance, like everything you had to say required deep thought. Or if you to happy to contain yourself, he LOVED dancing with you. He would happily wear the costumes my 10-year-old self would dress him in. He was the prince of the kingdom who fell in love with the local nurse (Abby didn't like to wear her nurse hat as much as Apollo liked his crown).
Oh lord. I could talk about him all day. He was a good dog. A good dog...
In honor of him, my brother had always aspired to get a dog and continue with a Greek mythology theme. A month ago, he picked up Achilles from the shelter. The Shepherd-Lab-Husky mix is so incredibly adorable. Two years old, and hyper off the walls. My dad says he has spirit. He's sleeping at the end of my bed as I type.
So it is my turn to do the same thing, right? The whole point of this super-drawn-out-post was to put into writing what kind of dog I wanted. So... yes.
My little German Shepherd girl would have to be named Artemis or Athena. If I were to get a doodle instead, it would have to be a little boy, whose name could only be Hermes.
... Well.
That was anticlimactic.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Picture Perfect Smile
Sometimes I'll get on Facebook and see posts from people I used to know back in my middle school, early high school days. I'll think to myself, "Oh, I wonder how this person is doing in life?" So I take the liberty to creep through their photos.
Somehow, I'm always disappointed. Not with them. But with myself. They're always off in some urban corner of the US, or traveling the world exploring exotic countries. And I'm like...
What the heck?
I'm living in some small hick town going to a state college, changing my major constantly because I can't figure out what makes me happy.
Am I going the wrong way?
I mean, when I look through these people's pictures, they look so happy. Doing all of these fun things, and hanging out with people they seem to love.
But then I look at my pictures...
And honestly...
I look like I'm having the time of my freaking life.
Seriously. I do all kinds of crazy things. And I'm always taking pictures of them. I look like life couldn't be better in every single image. Like there is nothing I'd rather be doing that what I'm doing at those moments. To be truthful, I have way more exciting pictures than those other people.
So if one of them were to look at my pictures, they'd probably be thinking the same things I think about them (if you ignore the 'place of study' spot in my information). "Wow. She looks really happy. Like she's having the time of her life."
But like... I'm not.
I don't feel happy at all. I feel alone and lost and confused. Like theres nobody there for me, and I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. So whats with these pictures?
And when that thought comes to mind... I think about those people. They look so happy in their pictures, with their friends and their far-off schools. But are they really happy? What if they're only happy in the pictures? What if they're really lonely? What if they regret leaving home?
We're all regretting different things, I think. Or, maybe not regretting... thats a little harsh. We just feel sad. Why are we so sad? Why do those pictures make us look so happy?
Theres no conclusion to this post.
Why the hell am I crying?
Somehow, I'm always disappointed. Not with them. But with myself. They're always off in some urban corner of the US, or traveling the world exploring exotic countries. And I'm like...
What the heck?
I'm living in some small hick town going to a state college, changing my major constantly because I can't figure out what makes me happy.
Am I going the wrong way?
I mean, when I look through these people's pictures, they look so happy. Doing all of these fun things, and hanging out with people they seem to love.
But then I look at my pictures...
And honestly...
I look like I'm having the time of my freaking life.
Seriously. I do all kinds of crazy things. And I'm always taking pictures of them. I look like life couldn't be better in every single image. Like there is nothing I'd rather be doing that what I'm doing at those moments. To be truthful, I have way more exciting pictures than those other people.
So if one of them were to look at my pictures, they'd probably be thinking the same things I think about them (if you ignore the 'place of study' spot in my information). "Wow. She looks really happy. Like she's having the time of her life."
But like... I'm not.
I don't feel happy at all. I feel alone and lost and confused. Like theres nobody there for me, and I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. So whats with these pictures?
And when that thought comes to mind... I think about those people. They look so happy in their pictures, with their friends and their far-off schools. But are they really happy? What if they're only happy in the pictures? What if they're really lonely? What if they regret leaving home?
We're all regretting different things, I think. Or, maybe not regretting... thats a little harsh. We just feel sad. Why are we so sad? Why do those pictures make us look so happy?
Theres no conclusion to this post.
Why the hell am I crying?
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Afternoon Fears
If I keep telling myself that everyone is disposable, then maybe I'll start to believe it again. I used to believe it. I really did. Otherwise, I don't think I would have left. But I did. And I still am.
But now I don't feel like that. Suddenly I've become the one that is disposable. And I'm so terribly afraid of losing them. Suddenly the possibility of losing everything and everyone is so real and impending, that I don't think I can take it. I'm crushed with the feelings of loneliness.
Since when was loneliness a problem? Since when did I start to care? Since when did I want to belong?
But I'm already in too deep. I already chose this path, and I think its to late to turn back. I don't think there are other options.
So if I keep telling myself that I don't care, that I can find a new place, new people, a new life... then maybe it will hurt less when they all turn their backs.
But now I don't feel like that. Suddenly I've become the one that is disposable. And I'm so terribly afraid of losing them. Suddenly the possibility of losing everything and everyone is so real and impending, that I don't think I can take it. I'm crushed with the feelings of loneliness.
Since when was loneliness a problem? Since when did I start to care? Since when did I want to belong?
But I'm already in too deep. I already chose this path, and I think its to late to turn back. I don't think there are other options.
So if I keep telling myself that I don't care, that I can find a new place, new people, a new life... then maybe it will hurt less when they all turn their backs.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
The Legend of the Hamburger Tree
Many moons ago, when the earth was still green, the water still clear, and the snow still white, between the newly formed mountains and the stream that still flowed in it’s homeward course, there lived a small village, whose people were conscious enough to trace their ancestry back to the first human woman, a mere handful of generations prior. They were in the beginning of reasoning, capable of comprehension and feeling, old enough to know love and injustice, but still too young to feel jealousy and greed. They lived on the land of their fathers, cultivating and nurturing, both cattle and crop, working always for the greater good of their family and their home.
Among those people, there was born a child, whose heritable traits were just different enough from those whom he lived with to provide him with a distinct capability of evolution. His sensibility with emotion was superior to others of his blood, making him unrecognizably unique.
This boy, who was called the forgotten word meaning “aware” to his people, was of a curious type. When he reached 16 winters, he became continuously uncontainable. On many days, he would be nowhere in sight, unless sight was expanded beyond the boundaries of the village. While the village people were fearful to explore too far outside of their home, the boy would refuse this alarm, for he knew the worry of the people was unaccredited to any reason. His favorite location to visit was at a spot three miles up the river neighboring his home. The place was a wide open field, different from the forest area that surrounded the village on all sides. He would often lay down in the center of the field, and gaze up at the line of stars that spread across the night sky.
One day, when the weather was just starting to extend the perfect temperatures into a heat, known as the Warm Time, the boy went to his favorite field, and found something to be rather alarming. A small tree had rooted itself directly in the center, exactly where he would often lay down. Frustrated by the nerve of this tree and it’s desire to take over his post, the boy resolved to yank the tree out, and therefore protect his meadow from the invasion of any other tree that might have a similar idea. He marched to the sapling, and wrapped his hands around the thin trunk, and began to pull. As he threw his back into the effort, a yelp, like that of a young woman, reached his ears. Startled by the thought of another soul possibly being in his presence, the boy let go of the tree, stumbling backwards. He looked around for a moment, and found that nobody was nearby. Assuming that this was nothing more than an illusion, he returned himself to his position at the base of the tree, and prepared for his second assault. But again, a whimper reached his ears. This time, however, he realized that the sound was coming directly from the tree. He stared at the tree in astonishment, wondering if perhaps he was losing his reasoning. Yet the crying continued, eliminating from the plant.
“Please,” said a small voice, that of a girl, though age could not be determined, “please don’t do that again. For it puts a terrible strain on my roots, and I’m afraid that I may not be able to hold strong if your yanking continues.”
The boy again jumped back, landing on his rear end, unprepared for the speech that the tree had given. For it had never been heard of that a plant might talk.
“I’m sorry for startling you,” the tree apologized, still with the sound that tears might be in it’s eyes, had it any, “but I cannot silently sit by as you hurt me.”
“I-I’m sorry for pulling at you,” the boy returned, slowing regaining his composure. “It’s just that… this is my favorite place to watch the stars, and I didn’t want to lose it to yet another tree, for all of the rest have restricted my view of the sky.”
“I see…” the tree sadly replied, “I have been watching you lay here for ever so long. The way that you never fail to return, and the aura of happiness that illuminates from you. I assumed it must be a lovely place to be, so I resolved to plant myself here, too, so that I might sit alongside the boy who ever so loyally rests. I did not realize that my presence would be so unwelcome… for I wanted nothing more than to be beside you.”
Taken aback by the trees honest words of kindness, the boy was unable to speak for a moment. He meditated on the tree’s speech, and wondered just what it might mean.
Again, the tree spoke, “I wanted to know and understand you more. I wanted to be beside you, and perhaps, one day, if your loyalty was everything that it seemed to be from my watching place at the edge of the meadow, release myself from the everlasting spirit of the tree, and walk beside you, as a mortal being. So that maybe I can befriend you, and you befriend me in return.”
The boy thought about this statement, puzzled by the factuality of it all.
“You mean to say,” he began, “that you wish to one day leave the tree, and walk out as a human, should I prove my loyalty?”
The tree was silent, thought feelings of happiness could be sensed by even the most common of the village folk.
“If this is what you desire,” the boy said, “then so it shall be. Every day, for the next full cycle of seasons, until the Warm Time arrives again, I shall come to this spot, and be with you, to prove my fidelity, so that one day, you can leave the tree body, and walk out of this spot, and be with me.”
And sure enough, every day the boy went to visit the tree. During the Warm Time, they talked about the feeling of rain on their bodies, like a welcome coldness on their burning surfaces. In the Cooling Time, they commented on the enjoyment of watching the smaller animals scurry across the ground, unconscious of any event that occurred around them as they gathered food for the coming chill. Amid the Cold Time, they reminisced on the warmer days, when the sun would beat relentlessly, as if this were a kind of relief.
However, during the Warming Time, things began to change. All year, the tree had been in preparation of this time, for it was the time in which it could show off the fruit of it’s branches, and burst into a show of blossoms, vibrant white and with a scent that could be smelt for miles. Yet, for the first time in that year, the boy missed a day of visitation. The tree paid this no mind, thinking that it was only a matter of time before home events prevented the boy from making his daily visit. The second and third time were also considered minor things. However, this soon turned into four times, then ten, and then the visits were widdled down to once every three to four days. And eventually, within thirteen nights of the anniversary of their meeting, the visits stopped altogether.
The boy could be found in his village, not burdened with troubles, as one would expect, but rather filled with happiness. A girl in the village, who had always been shy, and hardly spoke to those around her, had sparked interest in the boy. Her intelligence was far beyond that of the other villagers, though it was often unnoticed, as she was so quiet. The boy began to spend more time with the girl, making his visits with the tree more of a chore. Some days, he would forget about the tree altogether. And in turn, he forgot about the promise he had made to the tree. By the end of the Warming Time, the boy proposed to the girl, and pledged to marry her at the beginning of the Warm Time.
Confused and hurt by the boy’s sudden change in heart, the tree wept. The flowers that it had so diligently prepared fell from its branches like a steady rain, sweeping through the air, and carried in the wind. The petals of the tree flew for miles, around the thick trunks of the older trees, and across the river, avoiding rocks and animals, until it reached the village. In the middle of the community, the boy and the girl stood together, promising to live their lives together until the end of their time. The petals, still coated with their lovely fragrance, swept around them. Through this act, the tree was able to sense the true love and dedication this boy felt towards the girl. And while the tree was hurt, it knew that the boy would be happy, and that he and the girl would work together to make life for the villagers better, something the tree never could have succeeded in.
The boy felt the presence of the tree, the friend he so loyally had visited. He had never been able to find true love for the tree, as the tree had for him, and he was overcome with guilt. Yet he felt forgiveness from the tree, also, for it was the tree’s wish for the boy to be endlessly happy.
The tree was alone.
For the rest of it’s life, it grew in the middle of the meadow, remembering that one year where it had a friend. In the summer, the tree was full and round, providing significant shade for any who might search for rest from the sun, and remember the fullness of conversation from days past. In the fall, the leaves were vibrant and red, a brilliant show of color for the enthusiasm of topics. In the winter, the branches fanned out, catching as much snow as it could, and leaving a trail of icicles, holding the beauty of even the simplest moments.
And in the spring, the flowers still grew, brilliant white as always. But the fragrance of happiness that once graced them was no longer present. Instead, they were coated with the smell of a painful past.
They smelled like raw hamburger meat.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Panty Theifless
This was... kind of an awful day?
And yet I'm not moaning and rolling around in my bed. I actually feel kinda good. Little hungry, but still good.
I was all prepared to give you a good folk legend, but that'll have to wait for next time. Today was interesting enough to write about.
Maybe it started yesterday at about 6. No, 5ish. I was sitting in my room when one of my friends from work knocked on my door. She asked me if I would be willing to give up my Saturday afternoon shift, and instead give it to this other girl who worked with us. Uh, heck yeah? I don't wanna work on a freak'n Saturday. And especially not on the fountain side! (side note: I work at Sonic. There are three options when working there: Cook, fountain, car hop. Cooks... cook food. fountains make drinks, bag the food, and mix ice-cream. Car hops walk around outside and smile at people, and get tips. Obviously, being a car hop is superior. In this case, I was scheduled to be a fountain.) So I gave it up. This friend of mine had to call the managers to make sure it was okay. Now, I could have done this myself, but a few days ago, my phone... attempted suicide. Drowning. Its actually in a coma right now. So we got a kind of okay from the manager, and thought it was an all-go!
I had made plans with my friend to go see the play that our school was performing that night. We were going to meet in the theater at 7. So I was in our cafeteria, eating lunch before I went over there. I found some friends, and ate with them. One of them mentioned his plans to go see the movie that the school was showing that night as well, that new one with Katnis. Silver Lining Playbook? Something like that. Well, since this was the last night the movie was playing, but the theater show would be performed the next day, and I was now off the hook for my Saturday shift, I was like, "ALL RIGHT! Movie time!". So we ran to Walmart, got some popcorn, and I quickly met my friend at the theater and told him about our change of plans (because, of course, I didn't have my phone, and couldn't just call him).
So we enjoyed our movie. Made plans for tomorrow (... today) to see the play. Scene set.
I woke up this morning. Slept in, really (till 9:30! Wow! I really let myself go this time). I sat around for a while, ate a sandwich n'stuff. At 12, when the library opened, I went over and did homework for an hour. At 1, I came back, and knocked on my friends door, and confirmed that this other girl would be coming in for my shift at 2. She said everything was cool. So I went to my room, grabbed my dirty cloths, and threw it into the community washing room (note previous post about my distaste for that terrible place). After coming back to my room, I received a knock on my door. I opened it to my work friend... And my heart fell.
"Well...." she said, "looks like the manager doesn't want to switch you guys. So you're gonna have to go in."
Well crap. I just threw two loads of laundry in! There wasn't enough time to finish it before I left. And then there was the play... Of course, there was a possibility that I could still make it, but I didn't have any way of telling my friend (no phone...). So I quickly wrote him on Facebook saying that it was a really up-in-the-air thing. I may or may not be there, and whether he went was up to him.
Then, after scribbling out a note and taping it to the dryer my cloths were currently happily and naively rolling around in (they weren't aware that they were to be violated...), I got ready for work. Stupid fountain....
*Skip five and a half hours of torturous happy-hour shenanigans and miserable food-sacking*
I just barely got out of work in time to get myself a ticket to the play. Luckily, I had thought ahead enough to bring a change of cloths, so I wouldn't have to waste time changing in my room. When I pulled up, I jumped in the back seat and swapped out my disgusting royal blue collared shirt for a nice white t-shirt. I had forgotten to bring shoes, but I didn't think anybody would mind if I just walked around in my socks (I wasn't about to wear the clunky black work shoes for longer than I had to). I jumped out of the car as fast as I could and walked into the theater.
Unfortunately, my friend had decided not to come. I found somebody who knew him, and called him on their phone. It would seem he had a bad day at work. So I went solo. Actually got a pretty good seat because of that.
By the end of the show (which was totally hilarious), I was only slightly tired, and my feet only a little cold. I walked out to my car so that I could climb into my lovely plastic dorm-worthy bed. And I saw something that made my heart sink....
My headlights.
In my rush to get inside, I had forgotten to turn off my headlights.
I put the keys in the ignition, and crossed my fingers. Not even the clunking engine sound graced my ears. It was totally and completely dead.
I reluctantly packed my cloths in my backpack, and slipped on my stupid work shoes and got out of the car to begin the not-so-long walk back to my dorm. It felt like a walk of shame.
And, as it is, the car is parked right next to the police station.... I haven't had a parking permit on my car.... this entire semester. I'm a horrible person. And probably shouldn't be saying this on the internet. Ohhhh well. I think its all over now.
So, thats.... pretty much all I'm awake enough to say. No phone (dropped it in the toilet). No car (ruthlessly murdered my battery). No money (borrowing 600 dollars from my parents to pay for tuition).
I... am an idiot.
At least nobody stole my underwear from the laundry room.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
My Whole Life
It's been about two weeks since... then...
And I feel utterly pathetic. I keep telling myself it's okay. That I'm fine. I didn't need somebody before, and I don't need anyone now. I even tell myself I hate him, so that maybe it'll be harder to love him.
But that doesn't really work... I still stop in my tracks and am overwhelmed with emotion. I have to force myself to keep walking in the direction I was going, and to smile at the person that walks towards me.
Why is this so hard?
A thought crossed my mind at work today.
For several years of my life, I was alone. I wasn't necessarily content, but I wouldn't say I was unhappy. I had lots of friends, but nobody that I was particularly close to. A part of me really wanted somebody that I could really love, somebody I could really call my friend. But still, I could have lived my whole life like that.
And then the two of them... Dane and Tyler... they came into my life, and I was so happy. I didn't know I could love two people so much. Sure, they were dumb sometimes. Okay. All the time. But we were best friends. It was just the three of us versus the world. And we were perfect. Of course, that slowly changed to just Dane and I. And it was still okay, because we grew even closer. I loved him so much. He was my best friend. And we would do everything together. It was a little sad when I had to leave for school, but it was still okay, cus I knew he would be there when I got back. It was so... perfect. I could have lived my whole life like that.
And then he kissed me. It was hard for me at first. I had spent so much of my life keeping out close relationships. But it was Dane... And I already loved him as my best friend. So I allowed myself to love him as more. Something I find incredibly hard to do. And suddenly, there was somebody I could call when I received exciting news, or text when I was a little bored, or Skype when I just needed to see a familiar face. Suddenly there was a reason for me to go back home, something I looked forward to, something I longed for. I let myself love him so passionately. I let my whole heart go. I was no longer alone. I could have lived my whole life like that.
And then something changed. I spend most of my days mad at him. He hurt me so often, without even knowing it. That's probably what made it hurt more. But still, I loved him. Even when I was sad, the idea of losing him seemed so unbearable. I wouldn't let myself think about it, even though we both knew it wouldn't be forever. But I never imagined it would be so short. I thought I could have this moment of happiness.
I could have lived my whole life the way it was before I met him. I could have lived my whole life being beside him as his best friend. I could have lived my whole life that way. Why did he have to bring it to this point? Why did he have to ruin everything I loved? What was the point in that? I could have been so happy being friends with him. I never would have ever imagined being in love with him. So why did he have to...
And that's just the way I am. Its so hard for me to really care about a person. But when I finally do... I give my whole heart and soul.
He thinks we can be best friends again. And for all I'm worth, I'm trying my hardest. It's not so bad when I'm four hours away. But when I go home... I don't know if I can do this.
Friday, March 22, 2013
The End
It's almost 6 am. I've been up since about 4. I can't get back to sleep. Every time I try, my stomach churns, and I can't decide whether I'm freezing or burning up.
I... I wanna say I don't know if I can do this.
But if I say something like that, it makes it more true. I know I can make it. But right now... this hurts so badly.
Every hour or so, I just break down into deep sobs. I can't believe this.
I know that almost everything I've posted about him has been negative. Well, as it is, I only feel like writing when I'm upset. So it'd be unfair to say that this has all been bad from the beginning. But from your point of view, you would probably say this was inevitable, and good even.
He has more issues and flaws than any other person I know. I hate so much about him. He was stupid and thoughtless and selfish. But I still loved him. I still wanted everything for him. And it's just so unfair that it had to end like this.
Honestly, we both knew we had no future together. What we wanted was just to different. I'm always going to run away and leave behind everything I find familiar.
It is so hard for me to fall in love. That much should be obvious, if you have been reading from the beginning. My attachment to everyone is so weak. I could leave anybody behind him a heartbeat. But it was different for him. I wanted so badly for him to come with me. To leave everything behind. I could never leave him behind.
I am in so much pain.
I... I wanna say I don't know if I can do this.
But if I say something like that, it makes it more true. I know I can make it. But right now... this hurts so badly.
Every hour or so, I just break down into deep sobs. I can't believe this.
I know that almost everything I've posted about him has been negative. Well, as it is, I only feel like writing when I'm upset. So it'd be unfair to say that this has all been bad from the beginning. But from your point of view, you would probably say this was inevitable, and good even.
He has more issues and flaws than any other person I know. I hate so much about him. He was stupid and thoughtless and selfish. But I still loved him. I still wanted everything for him. And it's just so unfair that it had to end like this.
Honestly, we both knew we had no future together. What we wanted was just to different. I'm always going to run away and leave behind everything I find familiar.
It is so hard for me to fall in love. That much should be obvious, if you have been reading from the beginning. My attachment to everyone is so weak. I could leave anybody behind him a heartbeat. But it was different for him. I wanted so badly for him to come with me. To leave everything behind. I could never leave him behind.
I am in so much pain.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Sickness
"I'll never be happy."
...
That hurt me. It really, really hurt me. I thought maybe it was possible for me to make him happy. I thought maybe he was happy when we were together. Was I wrong about that? Am I wrong to think that maybe I can make a difference? That I can make him enjoy life? I thought I could do that... But what if I can't? What if I'm not?
That stings. It really does. I'm trying so, so hard. But nothing is ever good enough, is it?
I don't even remember why he said that. The whole conversation is a blur. With the exception of that one line.
"So, what you're saying is... its impossible for you to be happy."
"Yep. That's just who I am."
I was silent after that. He changed the subject after a few beats. Back to video games, I think.
Does he know how much that hurts? How it feels to not be good enough?
I won't be subject to that... I'm not just something to do when nothing else is satisfying enough. I am not a distraction.
I feel so sick right now.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
A New World
So... It's 2013. Looks like we survived the end of the world, and we will patiently await the next apocalypse. And just like any new year, changes come along with it. So I'm gonna jump on the blogging band wagon and start rambling about said 'changes'. I'm not gonna pretend I made some sort of resolution to do something better, cus honestly, I really didn't. I think things are going pretty okay as they are, so I'm not gonna try and alter that. But I wanna reflect a little on 2012, and how the whole year brought on major differences in my life...
So, I suppose a year ago I was sitting in about the same place, geographically. Same crummy dorm made for incoming freshmen, my roommate nowhere to be seen, and the same fuzzy purple blanket wrapped around my legs. The heater was probably broken back then, too. The only physical difference worth mentioning is the fact that theres snow on the ground today. We didn't get any last year. The fact that it's quickly melting is only a pesky detail... But nonetheless. Same place.
Basing all of my information on the blog posts I had up at about this time last year, I've changed a LOT. Like, a lot a lot. I was depressed. Like, totally. I felt alone and abandoned, and my closest friendships were drifting farther and farther out of reach. Or perhaps I was swimming farther and farther away? Either way, it effected me in a hard way. And always being alone in my room probably didn't help either. Sometimes I would spin in circles in only my underclothes and wonder what I was doing with my life. No joke, I think that actually happened once. But I could be making that up... I wasn't in the right mindset. As the year went on, I tried to reach out to others a little more. I invited people to hang out, and would sit with people at lunch. I didn't want to be sad. But nothing really seemed to help... until that semester ended. Because it was the end of that semester that brought the beginning of a new me.
I didn't really go into details before about how me and Dane started dating. I mean, just months before, I was ridiculing the thought of being with a person. The idea was so repulsive to me. Especially the cuddling thing. Oh goodness, that horrified me. That much human contact? No thanks. So... what changed? That's not one of those questions you're supposed to read first, and find the answer somewhere in the paragraph. I honestly cannot tell you what happened. I can only go over the technicalities.
Maybe it started with the very first day. The day that I went home at last. As I might have mentioned before, I didn't have a car with me. Instead, if I wanted to go home, I'd have to hitch a ride with a friend, or somebody would have to come pick me up. In this case, once all of my classes were over, my older brother and Dane made the 4-hour drive from my hometown to give me a lift. It might have been the way he ran up to me and gave me a hug that I knew our friendship wasn't a lost cause. Even if things wouldn't be the same way they were the Best Summer (with memories to fond and precious for me to write out to the public), we knew that we had each other, and that was all that counted. We drove home, and spent the entire day together, making plans to be with each other until we were sick of seeing the other person's face. I didn't realize that would be such a hard task to fulfill. The first couple of weeks were relatively uneventful. My brother and sister, who are a year younger than me, had graduated from high school, so when they had their celebratory party, I invited Dane, so I wouldn't be completely alone. There was a point where we played a hide-and-seek game, and the two of us hid in a deep brush, where nobody wanted to venture, in fear of ticks. In short, we were together the whole night, and deeply enjoyed each other's company. But that isn't something that wouldn't be previously expected. Apparently, there had been a girl at the party that Dane had thought was cute. He asked me if I could get her contact information, and possibly hook them up. I disagreed with his choice, and instead insisted he try and talk to this other girl, who in my opinion was much cuter and had a better personality. But apparently she wasn't 'cuddly' enough for Dane. Whatever. And that's what he's all about. In reality, he just wanted somebody to cuddle with him. A Cuddle Buddy, is what he told me. Oh goodness... I remember him asking me if I ever thought about cuddling with people. I told him the idea disgusted me. He asked if I ever put him in that 'people' position, and after I told him that I had, and my feelings hadn't changed, I'm sure I crushed him. Hahah oh well. Okay, this paragraph is getting to big... PART 2!
Maybe this is where it really started. One day, my friends and I decided to have a bit of a camp-out. We didn't want to pay for a camping site, so we parked at my friends house, and slept in a tent in her back yard. That sounds horribly tacky, but she actually has a pretty... wild property, if you will. It was a lot of fun, and it seems weird to think that it wasn't that long ago. I had work the next morning, so Dane dropped me off, and I was forced to leave all of my belongings in his car. That was unfortunate, because there were things I needed in that backpack... but I figured I could always pick it up later that night. Skipping ahead due to laziness and the fact that the details simply aren't interesting at all... I found Dane hanging out at one of our mutual friend's poolside. I demanded my belongings, and declared that I was to tired to stick around. However, either I wasn't nearly as tired as I thought, or it was the tiredness that weakened my will, I was tricked into going over to Dane's house to watch a movie with him, and all of the other people who were also at the pool. He assured me that if I was too exhausted, I could always sleep on his shoulder. Oh geeze... my delirious mind was delighted by that statement.
God... that felt good... laying my head on a person's shoulder, their hands stroking my hair, and occasionally resting on my cheek, outlining my jawbone... Was it his hand that was shaking, or was it my whole being? Our bodies were pressed together on the leather couch. His back was turned to the TV, and my eyes were closed. What were we even watching? I don't remember. I just remember how happy I was to be next to him. I wasn't repulsed by his touch, like I would have been had it been another person. Any other person. Nobody could replace him. What snapped that night? I hadn't changed much... I had always wanted to be with him... but not always in that way.
From then on, things moved fast, and I changed drastically. I was no loner alone. I walked beside somebody and held their hand. I looked into a person's eyes and was completely happy. I kissed him. And I fell madly in love. Is that weird to say? Heck. I don't care what you think. I fell madly and deeply and wonderfully in love. I was a completely different person. I can't even comprehend the fact that last summer was just ONE summer. It had to have been two. Theres no way so much happened in such a short amount of time. I can't even begin to explain...
And I'm really not even going to try. This is actually all I'm gonna leave you with. I said I would explain technicalities. I also said I would go over more changes.... but things change. This post is long enough as is. And I have classes to go to. Theres more on my mind, and more I'd like to write about... But I think I'm done for now. Quite bluntly, too.
So, I suppose a year ago I was sitting in about the same place, geographically. Same crummy dorm made for incoming freshmen, my roommate nowhere to be seen, and the same fuzzy purple blanket wrapped around my legs. The heater was probably broken back then, too. The only physical difference worth mentioning is the fact that theres snow on the ground today. We didn't get any last year. The fact that it's quickly melting is only a pesky detail... But nonetheless. Same place.
Basing all of my information on the blog posts I had up at about this time last year, I've changed a LOT. Like, a lot a lot. I was depressed. Like, totally. I felt alone and abandoned, and my closest friendships were drifting farther and farther out of reach. Or perhaps I was swimming farther and farther away? Either way, it effected me in a hard way. And always being alone in my room probably didn't help either. Sometimes I would spin in circles in only my underclothes and wonder what I was doing with my life. No joke, I think that actually happened once. But I could be making that up... I wasn't in the right mindset. As the year went on, I tried to reach out to others a little more. I invited people to hang out, and would sit with people at lunch. I didn't want to be sad. But nothing really seemed to help... until that semester ended. Because it was the end of that semester that brought the beginning of a new me.
I didn't really go into details before about how me and Dane started dating. I mean, just months before, I was ridiculing the thought of being with a person. The idea was so repulsive to me. Especially the cuddling thing. Oh goodness, that horrified me. That much human contact? No thanks. So... what changed? That's not one of those questions you're supposed to read first, and find the answer somewhere in the paragraph. I honestly cannot tell you what happened. I can only go over the technicalities.
Maybe it started with the very first day. The day that I went home at last. As I might have mentioned before, I didn't have a car with me. Instead, if I wanted to go home, I'd have to hitch a ride with a friend, or somebody would have to come pick me up. In this case, once all of my classes were over, my older brother and Dane made the 4-hour drive from my hometown to give me a lift. It might have been the way he ran up to me and gave me a hug that I knew our friendship wasn't a lost cause. Even if things wouldn't be the same way they were the Best Summer (with memories to fond and precious for me to write out to the public), we knew that we had each other, and that was all that counted. We drove home, and spent the entire day together, making plans to be with each other until we were sick of seeing the other person's face. I didn't realize that would be such a hard task to fulfill. The first couple of weeks were relatively uneventful. My brother and sister, who are a year younger than me, had graduated from high school, so when they had their celebratory party, I invited Dane, so I wouldn't be completely alone. There was a point where we played a hide-and-seek game, and the two of us hid in a deep brush, where nobody wanted to venture, in fear of ticks. In short, we were together the whole night, and deeply enjoyed each other's company. But that isn't something that wouldn't be previously expected. Apparently, there had been a girl at the party that Dane had thought was cute. He asked me if I could get her contact information, and possibly hook them up. I disagreed with his choice, and instead insisted he try and talk to this other girl, who in my opinion was much cuter and had a better personality. But apparently she wasn't 'cuddly' enough for Dane. Whatever. And that's what he's all about. In reality, he just wanted somebody to cuddle with him. A Cuddle Buddy, is what he told me. Oh goodness... I remember him asking me if I ever thought about cuddling with people. I told him the idea disgusted me. He asked if I ever put him in that 'people' position, and after I told him that I had, and my feelings hadn't changed, I'm sure I crushed him. Hahah oh well. Okay, this paragraph is getting to big... PART 2!
Maybe this is where it really started. One day, my friends and I decided to have a bit of a camp-out. We didn't want to pay for a camping site, so we parked at my friends house, and slept in a tent in her back yard. That sounds horribly tacky, but she actually has a pretty... wild property, if you will. It was a lot of fun, and it seems weird to think that it wasn't that long ago. I had work the next morning, so Dane dropped me off, and I was forced to leave all of my belongings in his car. That was unfortunate, because there were things I needed in that backpack... but I figured I could always pick it up later that night. Skipping ahead due to laziness and the fact that the details simply aren't interesting at all... I found Dane hanging out at one of our mutual friend's poolside. I demanded my belongings, and declared that I was to tired to stick around. However, either I wasn't nearly as tired as I thought, or it was the tiredness that weakened my will, I was tricked into going over to Dane's house to watch a movie with him, and all of the other people who were also at the pool. He assured me that if I was too exhausted, I could always sleep on his shoulder. Oh geeze... my delirious mind was delighted by that statement.
God... that felt good... laying my head on a person's shoulder, their hands stroking my hair, and occasionally resting on my cheek, outlining my jawbone... Was it his hand that was shaking, or was it my whole being? Our bodies were pressed together on the leather couch. His back was turned to the TV, and my eyes were closed. What were we even watching? I don't remember. I just remember how happy I was to be next to him. I wasn't repulsed by his touch, like I would have been had it been another person. Any other person. Nobody could replace him. What snapped that night? I hadn't changed much... I had always wanted to be with him... but not always in that way.
From then on, things moved fast, and I changed drastically. I was no loner alone. I walked beside somebody and held their hand. I looked into a person's eyes and was completely happy. I kissed him. And I fell madly in love. Is that weird to say? Heck. I don't care what you think. I fell madly and deeply and wonderfully in love. I was a completely different person. I can't even comprehend the fact that last summer was just ONE summer. It had to have been two. Theres no way so much happened in such a short amount of time. I can't even begin to explain...
And I'm really not even going to try. This is actually all I'm gonna leave you with. I said I would explain technicalities. I also said I would go over more changes.... but things change. This post is long enough as is. And I have classes to go to. Theres more on my mind, and more I'd like to write about... But I think I'm done for now. Quite bluntly, too.
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