Afternoon Fears

If I keep telling myself that everyone is disposable, then maybe I'll start to believe it again. I used to believe it. I really did. Otherwise, I don't think I would have left. But I did. And I still am.

But now I don't feel like that. Suddenly I've become the one that is disposable. And I'm so terribly afraid of losing them. Suddenly the possibility of losing everything and everyone is so real and impending, that I don't think I can take it. I'm crushed with the feelings of loneliness.

Since when was loneliness a problem? Since when did I start to care? Since when did I want to belong?

But I'm already in too deep. I already chose this path, and I think its to late to turn back. I don't think there are other options.

So if I keep telling myself that I don't care, that I can find a new place, new people, a new life... then maybe it will hurt less when they all turn their backs.

The Legend of the Hamburger Tree

Many moons ago, when the earth was still green, the water still clear, and the snow still white, between the newly formed mountains and the stream that still flowed in it’s homeward course, there lived a small village, whose people were conscious enough to trace their ancestry back to the first human woman, a mere handful of generations prior.  They were in the beginning of reasoning, capable of comprehension and feeling, old enough to know love and injustice, but still too young to feel jealousy and greed. They lived on the land of their fathers, cultivating and nurturing, both cattle and crop, working always for the greater good of their family and their home.
Among those people, there was born a child, whose heritable traits were just different enough from those whom he lived with to provide him with a distinct capability of evolution. His sensibility with emotion was superior to others of his blood, making him unrecognizably unique.

This boy, who was called the forgotten word meaning “aware” to his people, was of a curious type. When he reached 16 winters, he became continuously uncontainable. On many days, he would be nowhere in sight, unless sight was expanded beyond the boundaries of the village. While the village people were fearful to explore too far outside of their home, the boy would refuse this alarm, for he knew the worry of the people was unaccredited to any reason. His favorite location to visit was at a spot three miles up the river neighboring his home. The place was a wide open field, different from the forest area that surrounded the village on all sides. He would often lay down in the center of the field, and gaze up at the line of stars that spread across the night sky.

One day, when the weather was just starting to extend the perfect temperatures into a  heat, known as the Warm Time, the boy went to his favorite field, and found something to be rather alarming. A small tree had rooted itself directly in the center, exactly where he would often lay down. Frustrated by the nerve of this tree and it’s desire to take over his post, the boy resolved to yank the tree out, and therefore protect his meadow from the invasion of any other tree that might have a similar idea. He marched to the sapling, and wrapped his hands around the thin trunk, and began to pull. As he threw his back into the effort, a yelp, like that of a young woman, reached his ears. Startled by the thought of another soul possibly being in his presence, the boy let go of the tree, stumbling backwards. He looked around for a moment, and found that nobody was nearby. Assuming that this was nothing more than an illusion, he returned himself to his position at the base of the tree, and prepared for his second assault. But again, a whimper reached his ears. This time, however, he realized that the sound was coming directly from the tree. He stared at the tree in astonishment, wondering if perhaps he was losing his reasoning. Yet the crying continued, eliminating from the plant.

“Please,” said a small voice, that of a girl, though age could not be determined, “please don’t do that again. For it puts a terrible strain on my roots, and I’m afraid that I may not be able to hold strong if your yanking continues.”

The boy again jumped back, landing on his rear end, unprepared for the speech that the tree had given. For it had never been heard of that a plant might talk.

“I’m sorry for startling you,” the tree apologized, still with the sound that tears might be in it’s eyes, had it any, “but I cannot silently sit by as you hurt me.”
“I-I’m sorry for pulling at you,” the boy returned, slowing regaining his composure. “It’s just that… this is my favorite place to watch the stars, and I didn’t want to lose it to yet another tree, for all of the rest have restricted my view of the sky.”

“I see…” the tree sadly replied, “I have been watching you lay here for ever so long. The way that you never fail to return, and the aura of happiness that illuminates from you. I assumed it must be a lovely place to be, so I resolved to plant myself here, too, so that I might sit alongside the boy who ever so loyally rests. I did not realize that my presence would be so unwelcome… for I wanted nothing more than to be beside you.”

Taken aback by the trees honest words of kindness, the boy was unable to speak for a moment. He meditated on the tree’s speech, and wondered just what it might mean.

Again, the tree spoke, “I wanted to know and understand you more. I wanted to be beside you, and perhaps, one day, if your loyalty was everything that it seemed to be from my watching place at the edge of the meadow, release myself from the everlasting spirit of the tree, and walk beside you, as a mortal being. So that maybe I can befriend you, and you befriend me in return.”

The boy thought about this statement, puzzled by the factuality of it all.
“You mean to say,” he began, “that you wish to one day leave the tree, and walk out as a human, should I prove my loyalty?”

The tree was silent, thought feelings of happiness could be sensed by even the most common of the village folk.

“If this is what you desire,” the boy said, “then so it shall be. Every day, for the next full cycle of seasons, until the Warm Time arrives again, I shall come to this spot, and be with you, to prove my fidelity, so that one day, you can leave the tree body, and walk out of this spot, and be with me.”

And sure enough, every day the boy went to visit the tree. During the Warm Time, they talked about the feeling of rain on their bodies, like a welcome coldness on their burning surfaces. In the Cooling Time, they commented on the enjoyment of watching the smaller animals scurry across the ground, unconscious of any event that occurred around them as they gathered food for the coming chill. Amid the Cold Time, they reminisced on the warmer days, when the sun would beat relentlessly, as if this were a kind of relief.
However, during the Warming Time, things began to change. All year, the tree had been in preparation of this time, for it was the time in which it could show off the fruit of it’s branches, and burst into a show of blossoms, vibrant white and with a scent that could be smelt for miles. Yet, for the first time in that year, the boy missed a day of visitation. The tree paid this no mind, thinking that it was only a matter of time before home events prevented the boy from making his daily visit. The second and third time were also considered minor things. However, this soon turned into four times, then ten, and then the visits were widdled down to once every three to four days. And eventually, within thirteen nights of the anniversary of their meeting, the visits stopped altogether.

The boy could be found in his village, not burdened with troubles, as one would expect, but rather filled with happiness. A girl in the village, who had always been shy, and hardly spoke to those around her, had sparked interest in the boy. Her intelligence was far beyond that of the other villagers, though it was often unnoticed, as she was so quiet. The boy began to spend more time with the girl, making his visits with the tree more of a chore. Some days, he would forget about the tree altogether. And in turn, he forgot about the promise he had made to the tree. By the end of the Warming Time, the boy proposed to the girl, and pledged to marry her at the beginning of the Warm Time.

Confused and hurt by the boy’s sudden change in heart, the tree wept. The flowers that it had so diligently prepared fell from its branches like a steady rain, sweeping through the air, and carried in the wind. The petals of the tree flew for miles, around the thick trunks of the older trees, and across the river, avoiding rocks and animals, until it reached the village. In the middle of the community, the boy and the girl stood together, promising to live their lives together until the end of their time. The petals, still coated with their lovely fragrance, swept around them. Through this act, the tree was able to sense the true love and dedication this boy felt towards the girl. And while the tree was hurt, it knew that the boy would be happy, and that he and the girl would work together to make life for the villagers better, something the tree never could have succeeded in.

The boy felt the presence of the tree, the friend he so loyally had visited. He had never been able to find true love for the tree, as the tree had for him, and he was overcome with guilt. Yet he felt forgiveness from the tree, also, for it was the tree’s wish for the boy to be endlessly happy.

The tree was alone.

For the rest of it’s life, it grew in the middle of the meadow, remembering that one year where it had a friend. In the summer, the tree was full and round, providing significant shade for any who might search for rest from the sun, and remember the fullness of conversation from days past. In the fall, the leaves were vibrant and red, a brilliant show of color for the enthusiasm of topics. In the winter, the branches fanned out, catching as much snow as it could, and leaving a trail of icicles, holding the beauty of even the simplest moments.

And in the spring, the flowers still grew, brilliant white as always. But the fragrance of happiness that once graced them was no longer present. Instead, they were coated with the smell of a painful past.

They smelled like raw hamburger meat.

Panty Theifless

This was... kind of an awful day?

And yet I'm not moaning and rolling around in my bed. I actually feel kinda good. Little hungry, but still good.

I was all prepared to give you a good folk legend, but that'll have to wait for next time. Today was interesting enough to write about.

Maybe it started yesterday at about 6. No, 5ish. I was sitting in my room when one of my friends from work knocked on my door. She asked me if I would be willing to give up my Saturday afternoon shift, and instead give it to this other girl who worked with us. Uh, heck yeah? I don't wanna work on a freak'n Saturday. And especially not on the fountain side! (side note: I work at Sonic. There are three options when working there: Cook, fountain, car hop. Cooks... cook food. fountains make drinks, bag the food, and mix ice-cream. Car hops walk around outside and smile at people, and get tips. Obviously, being a car hop is superior. In this case, I was scheduled to be a fountain.) So I gave it up. This friend of mine had to call the managers to make sure it was okay. Now, I could have done this myself, but a few days ago, my phone... attempted suicide. Drowning. Its actually in a coma right now. So we got a kind of okay from the manager, and thought it was an all-go!

I had made plans with my friend to go see the play that our school was performing that night. We were going to meet in the theater at 7. So I was in our cafeteria, eating lunch before I went over there. I found some friends, and ate with them. One of them mentioned his plans to go see the movie that the school was showing that night as well, that new one with Katnis. Silver Lining Playbook? Something like that. Well, since this was the last night the movie was playing, but the theater show would be performed the next day, and I was now off the hook for my Saturday shift, I was like, "ALL RIGHT! Movie time!".  So we ran to Walmart, got some popcorn, and I quickly met my friend at the theater and told him about our change of plans (because, of course, I didn't have my phone, and couldn't just call him).

So we enjoyed our movie. Made plans for tomorrow (... today) to see the play. Scene set.

I woke up this morning. Slept in, really (till 9:30! Wow! I really let myself go this time). I sat around for a while, ate a sandwich n'stuff. At 12, when the library opened, I went over and did homework for an hour. At 1, I came back, and knocked on my friends door, and confirmed that this other girl would be coming in for my shift at 2. She said everything was cool. So I went to my room, grabbed my dirty cloths, and threw it into the community washing room (note previous post about my distaste for that terrible place). After coming back to my room, I received a knock on my door. I opened it to my work friend... And my heart fell.

"Well...." she said, "looks like the manager doesn't want to switch you guys. So you're gonna have to go in."

Well crap. I just threw two loads of laundry in! There wasn't enough time to finish it before I left. And then there was the play... Of course, there was a possibility that I could still make it, but I didn't have any way of telling my friend (no phone...). So I quickly wrote him on Facebook saying that it was a really up-in-the-air thing. I may or may not be there, and whether he went was up to him.

Then, after scribbling out a note and taping it to the dryer my cloths were currently happily and naively rolling around in (they weren't aware that they were to be violated...), I got ready for work. Stupid fountain....

*Skip five and a half hours of torturous happy-hour shenanigans and miserable food-sacking*

I just barely got out of work in time to get myself a ticket to the play. Luckily, I had thought ahead enough to bring a change of cloths, so I wouldn't have to waste time changing in my room. When I pulled up, I jumped in the back seat and swapped out my disgusting royal blue collared shirt for a nice white t-shirt. I had forgotten to bring shoes, but I didn't think anybody would mind if I just walked around in my socks (I wasn't about to wear the clunky black work shoes for longer than I had to). I jumped out of the car as fast as I could and walked into the theater.

Unfortunately, my friend had decided not to come. I found somebody who knew him, and called him on their phone. It would seem he had a bad day at work. So I went solo. Actually got a pretty good seat because of that.

By the end of the show (which was totally hilarious), I was only slightly tired, and my feet only a little cold. I walked out to my car so that I could climb into my lovely plastic dorm-worthy bed. And I saw something that made my heart sink....

My headlights.

In my rush to get inside, I had forgotten to turn off my headlights.

I put the keys in the ignition, and crossed my fingers. Not even the clunking engine sound graced my ears. It was totally and completely dead.

I reluctantly packed my cloths in my backpack, and slipped on my stupid work shoes and got out of the car to begin the not-so-long walk back to my dorm. It felt like a walk of shame.

And, as it is, the car is parked right next to the police station.... I haven't had a parking permit on my car.... this entire semester. I'm a horrible person. And probably shouldn't be saying this on the internet. Ohhhh well. I think its all over now.

So, thats.... pretty much all I'm awake enough to say. No phone (dropped it in the toilet). No car (ruthlessly murdered my battery). No money (borrowing 600 dollars from my parents to pay for tuition).

I... am an idiot.

At least nobody stole my underwear from the laundry room.

My Whole Life

It's been about two weeks since... then...

And I feel utterly pathetic. I keep telling myself it's okay. That I'm fine. I didn't need somebody before, and I don't need anyone now. I even tell myself I hate him, so that maybe it'll be harder to love him.

But that doesn't really work... I still stop in my tracks and am overwhelmed with emotion. I have to force myself to keep walking in the direction I was going, and to smile at the person that walks towards me.

Why is this so hard?

A thought crossed my mind at work today.

For several years of my life, I was alone. I wasn't necessarily content, but I wouldn't say I was unhappy. I had lots of friends, but nobody that I was particularly close to. A part of me really wanted somebody that I could really love, somebody I could really call my friend. But still, I could have lived my whole life like that.

And then the two of them... Dane and Tyler... they came into my life, and I was so happy. I didn't know I could love two people so much. Sure, they were dumb sometimes. Okay. All the time. But we were best friends. It was just the three of us versus the world. And we were perfect. Of course, that slowly changed to just Dane and I. And it was still okay, because we grew even closer. I loved him so much. He was my best friend. And we would do everything together. It was a little sad when I had to leave for school, but it was still okay, cus I knew he would be there when I got back. It was so... perfect. I could have lived my whole life like that.

And then he kissed me. It was hard for me at first. I had spent so much of my life keeping out close relationships. But it was Dane... And I already loved him as my best friend. So I allowed myself to love him as more. Something I find incredibly hard to do. And suddenly, there was somebody I could call when I received exciting news, or text when I was a little bored, or Skype when I just needed to see a familiar face. Suddenly there was a reason for me to go back home, something I looked forward to, something I longed for. I let myself love him so passionately. I let my whole heart go. I was no longer alone. I could have lived my whole life like that.

And then something changed. I spend most of my days mad at him. He hurt me so often, without even knowing it. That's probably what made it hurt more. But still, I loved him. Even when I was sad, the idea of losing him seemed so unbearable. I wouldn't let myself think about it, even though we both knew it wouldn't be forever. But I never imagined it would be so short. I thought I could have this moment of happiness.

I could have lived my whole life the way it was before I met him. I could have lived my whole life being beside him as his best friend. I could have lived my whole life that way. Why did he have to bring it to this point? Why did he have to ruin everything I loved? What was the point in that? I could have been so happy being friends with him. I never would have ever imagined being in love with him. So why did he have to...

 And that's just the way I am. Its so hard for me to really care about a person. But when I finally do... I give my whole heart and soul.

He thinks we can be best friends again. And for all I'm worth, I'm trying my hardest. It's not so bad when I'm four hours away. But when I go home... I don't know if I can do this.