My Whole Life

It's been about two weeks since... then...

And I feel utterly pathetic. I keep telling myself it's okay. That I'm fine. I didn't need somebody before, and I don't need anyone now. I even tell myself I hate him, so that maybe it'll be harder to love him.

But that doesn't really work... I still stop in my tracks and am overwhelmed with emotion. I have to force myself to keep walking in the direction I was going, and to smile at the person that walks towards me.

Why is this so hard?

A thought crossed my mind at work today.

For several years of my life, I was alone. I wasn't necessarily content, but I wouldn't say I was unhappy. I had lots of friends, but nobody that I was particularly close to. A part of me really wanted somebody that I could really love, somebody I could really call my friend. But still, I could have lived my whole life like that.

And then the two of them... Dane and Tyler... they came into my life, and I was so happy. I didn't know I could love two people so much. Sure, they were dumb sometimes. Okay. All the time. But we were best friends. It was just the three of us versus the world. And we were perfect. Of course, that slowly changed to just Dane and I. And it was still okay, because we grew even closer. I loved him so much. He was my best friend. And we would do everything together. It was a little sad when I had to leave for school, but it was still okay, cus I knew he would be there when I got back. It was so... perfect. I could have lived my whole life like that.

And then he kissed me. It was hard for me at first. I had spent so much of my life keeping out close relationships. But it was Dane... And I already loved him as my best friend. So I allowed myself to love him as more. Something I find incredibly hard to do. And suddenly, there was somebody I could call when I received exciting news, or text when I was a little bored, or Skype when I just needed to see a familiar face. Suddenly there was a reason for me to go back home, something I looked forward to, something I longed for. I let myself love him so passionately. I let my whole heart go. I was no longer alone. I could have lived my whole life like that.

And then something changed. I spend most of my days mad at him. He hurt me so often, without even knowing it. That's probably what made it hurt more. But still, I loved him. Even when I was sad, the idea of losing him seemed so unbearable. I wouldn't let myself think about it, even though we both knew it wouldn't be forever. But I never imagined it would be so short. I thought I could have this moment of happiness.

I could have lived my whole life the way it was before I met him. I could have lived my whole life being beside him as his best friend. I could have lived my whole life that way. Why did he have to bring it to this point? Why did he have to ruin everything I loved? What was the point in that? I could have been so happy being friends with him. I never would have ever imagined being in love with him. So why did he have to...

 And that's just the way I am. Its so hard for me to really care about a person. But when I finally do... I give my whole heart and soul.

He thinks we can be best friends again. And for all I'm worth, I'm trying my hardest. It's not so bad when I'm four hours away. But when I go home... I don't know if I can do this.