Snail Mail

The first week of school is always the worst.

It's the week that I'm stressing about whether or not I remembered to bring the things I needed (there's always at least one thing left behind). Its the week that I'm showing up too late or too early (I haven't quite figured out how long it takes me to get from point A to point B). It's the week that I'm figuring out how to pay for the textbooks, the rent, the food, and the gas.

Oh geeze. No parenthesis needed there. I am always kicking "past me" in the butt for not saving up enough money over the summer to deal with this crap. I mean, you'd think that I'd know by now that it takes a couple hundred bucks to pay for the overpriced dead-weights teachers call 'important information for understanding the material'. Freaking textbooks... I had to borrow $250 from my older brother, because I didn't have enough to pay for the ridiculous Chemistry book. Its always good to order the books online, cus that's cheaper... but then these dang teachers expect you to have your material the next day. On top of that, I've got rent coming up, and I still haven't eaten a real meal.

Aside from that one that the church was serving... That was weird. I was really hungry on Tuesday, when I happened to pass a sign that said that a certain church had a sort of college outreach program where they would serve free lunch on Tuesday afternoons. Ha-ha!! Free food!!! I felt like a freaking street urchin.

I just needed to get that one out there. I've actually got a bit more heavy stuff than that on my mind right now. I'm not sure if I can express it well enough... Now, don't worry. Its not nearly as heavy as my past posts have been. But maybe its a follow-up to those. A question of why those posts exist. Not an explanation, that is. Just... a question.

Why do I write these things?

Why is it that my life is so horribly affected by these things.

Yeah. I was right. I can't express anymore. I'm really bogged down right now. I don't think I can even bring myself to focus enough on an episode of Adventure Time to find the snail. Did you know that snail was in every single episode? Well it is. Take a look.

I don't even know why I logged in today.

StarCrush

I feel as if I would be extremely vulnerable to inception.

Okay, not feel. I know I would be. It's almost sad, really, how much my dreams affect my waking self. "But Emix," you say, "dreams are important. We all need to follow our dreams, so that we can be happy and sing in harmony together and hold hands around the Tree of Life".

Please. Obviously, thats not what I mean. English really should come up with a new word to distinguish the two meanings. I'm talking about those dreams I have when I'm deeply asleep. Like the one I had the other day, where I had a house party at my friend's house sitting client's place, while the family was still there. They had fifty dogs, a raccoon, and a giant ant eater. So no, I'm not gonna follow those dreams.

But as I was saying. Inception. I would be horribly and fearfully vulnerable to it.

My earliest realization was when I developed my crush on Luke Skywalker in the 6th grade. I had never even seen the freaking movies. For all I knew, Luke and Spock were best friends, going on intergalactic space missions to team up with Michael Jordan and save the Looney Toons. The only thing I was sure of was that in my dream, Luke had handed me a purple Light Saber, and we saved the freaking day.

My favorite animal was changed from cats to brown bears due to a dramatic tale of a bear cub and a young girl, who found each other by chance, and changed each others lives forever through circus performing and pirate ship invading. Batman was no longer an annoyingly overrated and powerless superhero because I sniffed him, and told him he smelt like 'money stew' (what?!). I started to like the zombie thing after a courageous "last stand" that me and my classmates took.

Point being: if you ever obtain the technology to plant yourself inside my dreams, you will become my arch enemy.

Don't Read This One

Oh. Oh gosh.

I think I've reached a point. A really serious point. And it scares me a little. Okay, understatement. It scares me a lot. A hella lot. Can I even write this? I mean, I could. I don't have to worry about my parents or close friends seeing it. But I'm not sure if I could look back and read this. Cus I do that, sometimes, you know. Look back on old posts, see where I was at a certain point in my life. I do that on my tumblr. Which, uh... just to distract myself from saying what I'm actually thinking, I'll go ahead and post a link. Its made up of pictures that I take, one a day. The picture best represents the theme of that day. I've gotten really bad about doing it, though. My days lately have been uneventful. Or consisting of the same things over and over again. Anyway, pictures along with quotes, or defining thoughts. Sometimes a song that found a way to weave into my life.

http://allthatslefttodo.tumblr.com

So... Theres that...

Some of my friends actually follow me on that. So I can't post anything too personal on there. And I honestly don't want to write stuff in my book. That would... probably be better? Easier, anyway, than putting stuff on the internet. But I keep reassuring myself that nobody that I know is gonna read it, and that every other person in the world is... well... okay, yes. Is. Not "is reading", just... is. I can't even say it.

But everyone else in the world is. But that doesn't mean I want to. But I do want to. And yet don't, simply because everyone else is.

I'm not making any sense. I don't even think Future Me will be able to interpret.

But I'm dying. Oh my gosh. I'm depressed. I'm legit depressed. How on earth can I say that without saying it? (Oh, wait, I mean, thats not what I was talking about before. This is actually something completely different. I'm going off on tangents. I can't think clearly.) Geeze. What am I supposed to do about that? I don't wanna freaking talk about my feelings. I think about them enough. I run the story through my mind every day. The whole story. I started to tell someone once. But then the morning birds started to sing. Thought maybe we should try to sleep. Never finished the story. Now I don't think it ever will be finished. Nobody deserves to know. Maybe I let pieces slip by... I can't help it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to explode. Or just crumble. Probably something anticlimactic, like that.

So this is probably a horrible time to reach the point that I have, as previously stated, reached. Its rash and unrealistic and will probably hurt... probably? Definitely. This would most definitely cause me more pain in the end. Is that a risk I want to make? Yeah, I almost think it is... would the regret be worth it? Would I regret? Can I just say that I won't regret? I had better do that. If I even mention regret, it becomes a living thing. If you avoid certain emotions, I think they smother and die. So don't mention the 'r' word again. Thats the worst of them.

Because, if anything, I think I would regret not doing this.

Oh, geeze. You're wondering what 'this' is, still. I... Okay... nobody is reading.... nobody is reading... I'm alone, and only ranting to myself...

Don't laugh at me?

Who am I talking to....? I think I'm talking to myself. I'm asking myself not to laugh at me. I'm asking myself not to read. I'm asking myself to not look. Where am I?

I think... I think I wanna have sex with him.

You remember 'him', right? Did I say his name? I did. But I'm not gonna say it this time.

I can't think of what all I've said about him recently. I know for certain I've said I was in pain, since we broke up. So what the hell... This is a horrible idea. And tell me!! If you're a stranger, TELL ME that I'm being an idiot. Unless I've already posted another one saying that I already did it. In that case, you sure as hell better keep those comments to yourself. The 'r' word, you know...

But seriously. Why. Okay... this sounds so dumb... I'm a virgin, right? Why am I a virgin? Good question. No, really.

Of course, it started with the way I was raised. I was always told to save sex for marriage. But I don't think that's why I never did. Because as I was living by that, there was just never a reason for me to give it up. Thats not the reason I never kissed anyone. That was purely out of stubbornness. That, and nobody was good enough. So after I finally got into the situation, by the time I was 19, with previously-mentioned-male, it became a matter of not being ready. I just wasn't ready. I said it was because I wanted to wait until marriage. And... I wonder how long thats been true? I just wasn't... ready. But if I had said that, he would have been waiting for a time I was ready. And I didn't want to battle with that. So by saying I would never be ready, it was easier to avoid.

So, right. Never had sex before. And now that this guy has broken my heart, and basically been toying with me all summer... I want to have sex with him?

What the hell? What the freaking hell?

He was my best friend. And I won't ever be able to forget him. He's leaving soon. Be gone for half a year. Army-whatever thing. He's a virgin, too. How? Like, seriously... how. That question is unanswerable. But this summer has been unbearable for me. I can't be around him anymore. I can't be friends with him anymore. I don't want to see him. Talk to him. Be near him.

So I thought... Maybe... maybe I could just... have sex with him. Then never speak to him again.

This isn't like, some sort of vengeance or way of releasing myself. Its not spiteful, or a sort of hope that maybe we can be happy again. I know we don't have a future. So maybe that's why.. Maybe I just want... I don't know.

Talk me out of it. I know I'm crazy. But I think I want to.