When you think of humans, what is it that they all need? That's right! Food! Lots of yummy, delicious, home-cooked food. Robbers are no exception. So, the best way to trick them is to get them to think that your home is not actually a home, but a restaurant! "Perfect!" you say, "for a person who breaks into houses would immediately leave if he were to think your vicinity was not a house at all, but a place for food!". O'contraire, my feeble-minded friend. The robber would not leave, but insist upon staying. For, after all, do restaurants not have more money on hand than your local household? "But," you might ask, "why would you want the burglar to stay?" Why, to poison him, of course! And heres how its done.
This plan requires lots of thinking ahead, and it is advised that you join forces with one of your neighbors. Perhaps the boy next door, with whom you might go to school with. You, one of your family members, and said boy each decide the roll in which you will play in this scheme. For instance, you and your sister... er... family member might be the waitresses, while the boy acts as the 5-star chef. The back yard should be set up to resemble the patio of a fine dining location. If you find you are short on real chairs and tables, you can always put a table cloth on top of the plastic turtle-shaped sand box in order to disguise it as something other than a child's play thing. Chairs, in this case, would be unnecessary. After all, it may be a Japanes-style restaurant, where sitting on the ground is kinda normal. Now that everything is in place, you are ready. When an unfortunate bandit stables upon your vicinity, be ready to assume your rolls. After the necessary convincing in the maters of restaurant vs home, a waitresses will seat the oblivious thief in the finest spot there is to offer: the patio. The second waitress might hand the burglar a menu, possibly made of construction paper. True, the list for food might be short, but the fact that every item is top-of-the-line makes up for the lack in choice. The bandit will make his decision, in which the waitress will take the order back to the cook, who will then begin his work. Shortly after the food is finished, the bad man has eaten his full, he will possibly get up in order to rob you, but will fall short (literally) and you will find that he is most likely dead. And here is why: each recipe is thought out into a very precise and prestigious pattern. The list of ingredients for each food is as followed:
Peanut Butter and Jelly:
Bread made of hardened mud
Peanut butter made of smashed up acorns, sand, and water
Jelly made of night shade berries
Pizza:
Mud and sand crust
Topped with clovers, flowers, and rocks
Sause made with night shade berries
Tacos:
Giant weed leafs as tortillas
Filled with sand, rocks, clovers, and night shade berries
Kool-aid:
Water colored with night shade berries
Water:
Water stirred with a pencil
Clearly, every item is made to look exactly like the original, but with certain twists. Every food, with the exception of the water (which is contaminated with the all-powerful lead, causing lead poisoning), is tinged with night shade, a very deadly berry found in the woods. A robber would never see it coming.
So forget about your worries! This plan is fail-proof. You can return your million-dollar safety systems and take your money out of the bank and stick it in your sock drawer instead! With this system, you will be safe.
This situation is completely hypothetical. If you believe there to be any resemblance between the made-up characters (i.e. waitress sisters and boy next door) and real life people, you are fooling yourself. Again, this situation is completely hypothetical. If you believe there to be any resemblance between the made-up characters (i.e. waitress sisters and boy next door) and real life people, you are fooling yourself.
