Things I Hate and the Laundry Room

1. Musical Text Tones

2. Obnoxious Video Games (Guitar Hero)

3. Family Guy and all other Adult Swim shows

4. Weakness

5. Contentness

6. People who look at porn

7. Mayonnaise

8. Routine

9. Narcissism

10. Littering

11. Casual conversation through text

12. That time of month

13. Eggs

14. People who talk too much

The laundry room is awful. But I first need to discuss the rules before I rant on it... If you're able to get your stuff in a washer, congratulations. But if you're gonna leave the room, then you need to be aware that people are allowed to take your stuff out if the time has run out (granted, it would be nice if they would wait a couple minutes before just snatching it out the second the time goes down). Same goes for the dryer. So if you're gonna leave, check your watch and show up before the time goes out. If you're stuff get's taken out, then just be cool. Don't gripe about how some jerk was being inconsiderate about your stuff, cus really, you were the one being inconsiderate. You're the one who was late. On the other hand, if you come in and open somebody's machine while it's still going, well... I can't even express how evil that is. Especially when you don't close the door and start it again (if you haven't guessed, I've witnessed this happening before. I shut the door (rather loudly) and started their machine up again.). Just quit being such a priss! It is also increasingly annoying when you leave 13 minutes left on the dryer, forcing the next person to use it to have to wait for the 13 minutes to run down before they can start their own 60 minutes. That applies to the microwaves, as well. Just be cool, people. BE COOL!!!

And I do NOT have a pretty mouth!

Locked Sunsets

So, I recently found out that somebody actually reads this... I'm quite baffled, but I suppose I'll give him a shout-out. Uh....

SHOUT!

Yes. Anyway. I feel like I have to censor myself now. Especially since he read... that... one... post. At least he's keeping his mouth shut. Whatever. Not that I'm gonna let that stop me from saying what I say.

So the other day, it was my birthday. Wooo. It was actually quite a good day... Granted, it was freaking cold outside... Not a fan of the winter. So I'm gonna just start off by writing about the glorious day. I slept really badly, which was weird, because I was super tired. I woke up (uh.. I was already awake, but still) to my Chinese friend knocking at the door. I opened it up, and she was like, "You're still asleep?? Won't you be late??" I freaked out, and looked at my clock. It was 7:15... I usually woke up at 7:30. So no, I wasn't going to be late. She gave me a bag with something inside. I was really happy, and then she left, because I still had to get ready. I looked in the bag and pulled out the coolest thing ever... a Justin Beiber book. Heck yeah (For those of you who don't know, I am a Beiber fan. All I have to say is that it's way more fun being a fan than a hater). I then opened the card, which had adorable drawings of the main characters from Coffee Prince (the Kdrama I just finished) and an entire paragraph of Chinese characters... o____o Yikes! I could make out a few words, but... I figured that one day, I would get really good, and I'd be able to read it. Yes... I'll just let that comfort me. So after waking up, I went to my math class, in which we went over the test that I found relatively easy (though many people apparently did pretty bad). After that, I went to my Design class. It was supposed to be a work day, but I didn't really know what I was supposed to be doing. So that was a wast, really. After class, I was done for the day, and able to do what I pleased. I ate a mediocre lunch, and left quickly. My mother had told me that morning to check my mail, so I ran by the post office. My box was empty, so I assumed maybe whatever she had sent hadn't made it yet. Instead, I went back to my room. I checked my e-mail, to find that instead of letters, I had two packages. So, I ran all the way back to the post office. I got my two packages, one of which had the words "Sherries Berries" pasted all over it. I must say, I was rather confused. I opened them when I got back to my room, and found that my parents had sent me chocolate covered strawberries (YUM!!) in the Sherries Berries box, and Scotcharoos (my favorite desert that my mom makes) in the other, along with a SINGING TANGLED CARD!! That was awesome. Well, after sitting around for a while, I decided I should probably get going to Wal-mart. You see, my friend and I had planned on making chocolate covered strawberries that day. Why not just eat the ones you just received, you ask? Simple. There were only six of those. So I hopped on my bike and started to head towards the Wal-mart, three miles down the road. When I got there, I purchased a box of strawberries, razberries, white and brown almond bark, and some acetone (for my art project). It was kind of weird carrying everything in my backpack... But I loaded it in there and started to go back. When I got to a stop light, my black belt, biker art teacher rolled by in her car with her brushed and primed toy dogs and asked me what I was doing all the way at Wal-mart on a bike. I sheepishly replied that I didn't have a car. Seriously, these things only happen in [name of town has been deleted for the safety of the blogger and associates]. So I biked all the way back, and got up to my room. I found that my roommate had stopped by, and had left me a gift. Aww!! I was so happy ^_^! I called my Chinese friend, and we made our strawberries and razberries. They were quite delicious. We had enough to share with all of the other Chinese kids. We tried to get on the roof of the building so we could watch the sun set on my birthday, but it was closed tight. Rats. Somebody must have seen me up there the other day. So... Okay. I'm really sick of talking about my day. I find it rather boring to write about. Though it was fun while it was happening... In fact, I'm only writing this for the sake of my friend, who I stated at the beginning of the post. There ya go.

I just got my mom to finish reading Fruits Basket. She really enjoyed it. I told her I almost cry every time I see the last page, with Tohru and Kyo holding hands. She called me a girl.

I am, aren't I?

3 days till I go home!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aP3gzee1cps

11/11/11 11:11.11

All week, I have been wondering what I would do for my Wish. I thought it would be a big hassle, and likely not work out... however, things have surprisingly fallen into place. Since I am not brave enough (or stupid enough, depending on how you look at it) to pull a Haruhi Suzumiya graffiti stunt, I decided to make this my own. My plan was to buy 11 balloons, write my wish on each of them, and let them go from the roof of my dorm, the highest point on our campus. However, the problem of getting on the roof was a big issue. On Tuesday, I decided to check out the door again, hoping it would be miraculously unlocked, since my lock-picking skills were quite novice. After jiggling the knob a bit, I got frustrated and pushed on the door... and it opened. I was so stunned, I quickly closed it, so that I could try again. Eureka!?! I think yes! I could hardly hold in my excitement. I continued to plan how I would carry this process out. I had work scheduled for Friday, and we close at 11 on Fridays... It sure is lucky that I was to start at 2:30, which meant I got to go home early. But how was I going to get the balloons? I decided to ask a friend, who was more than willing to drive me up to Walmart in the morning. Awesome. So, Friday morning (that is... this morning), I woke up, and called my friend, letting him know I was ready to go. He came and picked me up, as well as two other friends, who also needed to get to the area. I bought the balloons (along with red and gold yarn for a Gryffindor sweater), and we made it back to campus, right on time for my 11 o'clock class. After the class, I came back to my room so that I could write my wish on each balloon (in alien, of course). After a couple hours, I left for work. All I could think about was how I wanted to get back to my room, but I was able to suffer through the shift. I came back at about 8:30, giving me time to finish some homework, shower, and eat dinner. However, when I took the plastic bag off of the balloons... I discovered something horrible. Half of the balloons had already begun to droop, some to the point of not being able to support themselves. What was I supposed to do?! The only thing I could do: I tied the droopers to the ones that were still floating strong. It was the only solution. After this, I tied them to my lawn chair, and left my room, heading towards the roof. I decided to take the stairs, hoping I would run into less people along the way. After all, a girl wrapped in a blanket with a chair and 11 bright red balloons walking upstairs tends to attract attention. Luckily, I didn't meet anyone along the way. I pushed open the door, which gave under the pressure. I set up my chair, 20 minutes before was due. And I waited. The air was cold, and the wind made my balloons dance sporadically. I watched the stars, partially covered in thin, grey clouds. The excitement of being on the roof never left me for a second. Finally, a minute before 11:11, I cut the strings that connected my wish to my chair, and stood up with them. Balloons in the left hand, watch on the right, I prepared myself. I stood in the location that would best benefit from the wind, but sill hid me from any wandering eyes below. Again, I waited. Finally, 11:11 hit. I waited a bit more. 11:11.11... And my left hand relaxed. The balloons bolted forward with a gust of wind. I watched them float away until they were nothing more than another star in the dark blue sky.

Everything had fallen into place more than I could have imagined.

What did you wish for?

I AM HERE

11/11/11 is coming up, which means only one thing: the ultimate wish. I'm still planning on what I want that wish to be, but I have a few days for that yet. The thing that's really bugging me is how I'm going to make that wish. I could be simple and just close my eyes and think it, like a normal person... But I'm trying to move away from normal. Kawaritai!!! So, I've come up with two options so far. One, I could pull a Haruhi Suzumiya, steal the little white line painter thing, and do a big show of it. However, I'm leaning away from that. Somehow, I think that would come back to bite me in my later years. My second choice is thus far the one I'm going for. A few weeks ago, I discovered that there is a door that leads to the roof of my dorm. Nobody ever sees it, because nobody is stupid enough to climb the stairs all the way to the top. After about the 4th floor, people use the elevator. So, my plan is to get on top of the roof, and let go 11 helium filled balloons, each with my wish on it. I couldn't possibly let just one of them go. What if it got lost? Letting 11 go gives me a much higher chance of my wish being granted. However, there is a problem... The door is always locked. I looked up how to pick locks, and it seems reasonably easy. I attempted the procedure on my dorm door, and of course failed. I didn't expect to get it on my first try. I noticed a name branded on the metal: Schlage. So, I decided to google that. Apparently it's one of the more difficult locks to pick... dang. Just my luck. Somehow, I'm going to figure out how to get on the roof. I have to. And I only have a few days left.

Silver Sandwiches

I gotta get used to writing on here more. I found out something else about myself today. I've started to notice that when I imagine somebody asking me out, I have different opinions, differing not only between individuals, but between personality types. Uhm, okay, duh? I have a point here. If I imagined a nice person asking me out, I almost shutter at the thought. On the other hand, if it were... well... the opposite type of person, a casual "yes" would be in order. What am I getting at, you ask? After all, I've already discussed my "bad boy" fetish. Well, it's actually quite simple, and has nothing to do with the previously mentioned fad. The thing is, when a nice guy asks you out... he actually means it. He actually likes you, and probably intends this date to be the first of many. That in itself proves to be a problem to me. Therefore, it's better to cut the issue at the bud. Though, sometimes, it takes a very, very sharp pair of scissors to sever the sprout... That aside. If it were a bad guy, I could be pretty sure of two things: one, he probably doesn't even really like me, and two, he definitely won't like me by the end of the night. In other words... no second date. And on the off-chance that there is a second date, well, then theres always the adventure aspect. Mahah cheers for me! ... I sound like a sadisticle jerk. Not that I mind. Though I'm sure one day, it'll all come back to bite me. Future Me can deal with that.

I finished watching Avatar: The Last Airbender the other day. I never realized how many episodes I had missed while it was actually airing on TV. That show is... all around, perfect. It has humor, creativity, a serious story, and life lessons. The only thing that would have made it better would be if Aang had grown a few inches... That would have made the last kissing scene between him and Katara less awkward. Say what you want.

I've been toying with the thought of having an alternate identity. I'm thinking when I leave America, I'll be a totally different person. Though letting go of my Tohru Honda would be rather difficult... I really have nothing else to say. Next time, I may write a short story. Those are always fun.

Sometimes clouds have two sides, a dark and a light, and a silver lining in-between. It's like a silver sandwich! So when life seems hard, just take a bite out of the silver sandwich.

--Prince Zuko

Truth and Dreams, Nothing and Everything

Coward. It's the only word I can use to describe myself. A coward, and a fool for thinking I could possibly start a new life, as a new person. Everything boils down to one thing, one point in time where everything fell apart... Where my identity was judged and tried. I have no reason to believe that this blog is actually read by other humans, so I no longer have a problem posting whatever I please. However, if somebody I am aquatinted with happens to read this, I have one thing to say. Anything that is said, anything I confess... don't mention it. Ever. I never want to hear what you think about this. If I do, I will never speak with you again. You think I'm kidding? Ask Trevor. I didn't talk to him for a year because of something as simple as a crush. But that's another story in itself. One that isn't going to be said, since it's really nothing other people need to know. The only point in mentioning that is the fact that I have proof that I am capable of a completely cut off relationship. It won't even bother me. You think I'm kidding? Try again. And that is the type of cold hearted person I am. But back to the point... Nothing leaves this website.

It all began with The Book... I don't even want to name it, because of the amount of pain it has caused me. I never want anyone to discover that pain, no matter how liberating. If that's even what it is. Would I rather be in the blissful ignorance I was once able to possess? Who knows. Back to The Book. It was a fictional story, one that I couldn't refuse picking up. The story of Adam and Eve, from a completely different perspective. The Serpent was made out to be a wise, good creature, symbolized by science and common sense. God, though creative and full of good intentions, was a selfish, narcissistically oblivious being. I was hugely offended by this portrayal, and yet I continued to read, hoping that in the end, everything would be resolved as I hoped, returning the readers opinions to it's original setting. However, this was not the case. You end the book cheering for Eve's freedom from paradise. She had an understanding of what was going on, and you can only be happy that she has gained wisdom. Anyways, I put the book behind me. However, some of the ideas stuck. For instance... our need to worship God. Why is it that its necessary to do that? This question bothered me for a long time. I finally concluded it with the fact that God wants us to find peace, and peace is only in him, and we can only have it through him if we are with him, and the best way to stay with him is to focus on him, and worship is the best way to focus. It seemed easy enough. However, this question lead to endless others. I couldn't figure out what the purpose of religion was. So I decided to ignore religion itself and pay attention only to God himself, and what he had said. As time went on, I began to question my own identity. Who was I? Who did I want to be? And, most importantly, where is freedom? They say that freedom comes through Christ... But then this is contradicted when... who was it? Paul?... Points out that you are either a slave to money, or God. Slave. I don't want to be a slave. I don't want to give up what I am, who I am. I don't want to deny myself. I just want to be myself. I wanted to break free from the burden... I wanted to be alone. But the thought of abandoning my faith was like trying to rip off my own skin... I couldn't do it. But I couldn't stand holding on any longer. I tried talking to one of my friends who was having a similar problem... However, that just made things worse. I thought we would be able to help each other out of this rut, but it just drove him down deeper. I regret that more than anything. Again, while I was working at camp, I talked to Cassie about it. It was nice to speak these things out loud... but I don't feel like it helped. If anything, it just made me think that there were no answers to my questions. But I needed answers. After a while, I started making deals with God. I tried to have a mutual agreement with him. Of course, it was probably only mutual on my end. But I could be delusional enough to convince myself that everything was fine. I would pray on behalf of other people: "look, God, I know I'm not an awesome person, but so-and-so is. Could you please help them out? Don't listen to what they're saying about me. Just ignore that. But please listen to me. They're struggling with such-and-such. They deserve you're help. I don't". On and on... I would pray that maybe I could be a sufficient sacrifice. I keep hearing that I'm not worthy... But why can't I be? Why was I made so... so damn useless! Why can't I be good enough?? Yes, yes, I've heard it, okay?! We can only be good enough through God. Because that's how he made us. That's the only way! But I want to be good enough! I want to be able to save my friends! I want to protect Dane and Kasey. I want to put my life on the line for them. I screwed up enough, and now look what's happened? They feel like they have to be different around me. They feel like they can't tell me certain things, because I'm going to judge them. Well I know what goes on. I am well aware. And with the things I believe right now... Well things aren't looking good for their eternity. And I don't want to believe in that anymore. I don't want to believe that my best friends aren't going to be with me. I want to die for them. I beg God every day... Send me to Hell instead... GOD! PLEASE! I'm so tired right now! Tired of believing that this world... that everyone and everything I love... it's all useless. That I'm useless. Why does it have to be this way? Why do we have to be lower than dirt? Why do things have to be separated into right and wrong, good and bad? Why is bad even here? You could have stopped it! You could destroy Hell anytime you want! Why do I have to live every moment in fear of the afterlife? People are always saying that these questions have been asked for thousands of years... But these questions are never answered. We can only dodge them with obsolete phrases that mean absolutely nothing in the long run. Every day when I sit in my drawing class, when people start to talk about God... All I can think is.... "what am I doing?" I'm so sick of this. But I can't escape it. I know the truth, and I can't ignore it. I will never be able to escape it. Not in life... not in death. Because the fact is... it's everything. All I want is to live in a world where I can just have fun... Where I can love life. Where I don't have to worry about anything. Where I can be free. Can I talk to Maegan about these things? Is she aware of what she got into when she suggested having a decipleship? I feel sick. All of this acting is wearing me down. Can I just wake up in Haruhi Suzumiya's world? Can I just be her? So careless.... That's what my goal was. I intended to come to college as Haruhi Suzumiya. But I'm to scared to do it. It's to late to do it... four hours away isn't far enough. I need to go farther, lose all of my ties. I want to run away. And I'm going to. I'm going to leave, and I'll create an alternate ego. I will be exactly who I want to be, and I won't have to worry about these ties. What is more important to me? The friendships I've made so far? Or the desire I have to live how I want? After all, Haruhi Suzumiya is a fictional character. Things won't turn out for me the same ways they turn out for her. I'm to tired to write anymore. There is to much emotion.

End.