Truth and Dreams, Nothing and Everything

Coward. It's the only word I can use to describe myself. A coward, and a fool for thinking I could possibly start a new life, as a new person. Everything boils down to one thing, one point in time where everything fell apart... Where my identity was judged and tried. I have no reason to believe that this blog is actually read by other humans, so I no longer have a problem posting whatever I please. However, if somebody I am aquatinted with happens to read this, I have one thing to say. Anything that is said, anything I confess... don't mention it. Ever. I never want to hear what you think about this. If I do, I will never speak with you again. You think I'm kidding? Ask Trevor. I didn't talk to him for a year because of something as simple as a crush. But that's another story in itself. One that isn't going to be said, since it's really nothing other people need to know. The only point in mentioning that is the fact that I have proof that I am capable of a completely cut off relationship. It won't even bother me. You think I'm kidding? Try again. And that is the type of cold hearted person I am. But back to the point... Nothing leaves this website.

It all began with The Book... I don't even want to name it, because of the amount of pain it has caused me. I never want anyone to discover that pain, no matter how liberating. If that's even what it is. Would I rather be in the blissful ignorance I was once able to possess? Who knows. Back to The Book. It was a fictional story, one that I couldn't refuse picking up. The story of Adam and Eve, from a completely different perspective. The Serpent was made out to be a wise, good creature, symbolized by science and common sense. God, though creative and full of good intentions, was a selfish, narcissistically oblivious being. I was hugely offended by this portrayal, and yet I continued to read, hoping that in the end, everything would be resolved as I hoped, returning the readers opinions to it's original setting. However, this was not the case. You end the book cheering for Eve's freedom from paradise. She had an understanding of what was going on, and you can only be happy that she has gained wisdom. Anyways, I put the book behind me. However, some of the ideas stuck. For instance... our need to worship God. Why is it that its necessary to do that? This question bothered me for a long time. I finally concluded it with the fact that God wants us to find peace, and peace is only in him, and we can only have it through him if we are with him, and the best way to stay with him is to focus on him, and worship is the best way to focus. It seemed easy enough. However, this question lead to endless others. I couldn't figure out what the purpose of religion was. So I decided to ignore religion itself and pay attention only to God himself, and what he had said. As time went on, I began to question my own identity. Who was I? Who did I want to be? And, most importantly, where is freedom? They say that freedom comes through Christ... But then this is contradicted when... who was it? Paul?... Points out that you are either a slave to money, or God. Slave. I don't want to be a slave. I don't want to give up what I am, who I am. I don't want to deny myself. I just want to be myself. I wanted to break free from the burden... I wanted to be alone. But the thought of abandoning my faith was like trying to rip off my own skin... I couldn't do it. But I couldn't stand holding on any longer. I tried talking to one of my friends who was having a similar problem... However, that just made things worse. I thought we would be able to help each other out of this rut, but it just drove him down deeper. I regret that more than anything. Again, while I was working at camp, I talked to Cassie about it. It was nice to speak these things out loud... but I don't feel like it helped. If anything, it just made me think that there were no answers to my questions. But I needed answers. After a while, I started making deals with God. I tried to have a mutual agreement with him. Of course, it was probably only mutual on my end. But I could be delusional enough to convince myself that everything was fine. I would pray on behalf of other people: "look, God, I know I'm not an awesome person, but so-and-so is. Could you please help them out? Don't listen to what they're saying about me. Just ignore that. But please listen to me. They're struggling with such-and-such. They deserve you're help. I don't". On and on... I would pray that maybe I could be a sufficient sacrifice. I keep hearing that I'm not worthy... But why can't I be? Why was I made so... so damn useless! Why can't I be good enough?? Yes, yes, I've heard it, okay?! We can only be good enough through God. Because that's how he made us. That's the only way! But I want to be good enough! I want to be able to save my friends! I want to protect Dane and Kasey. I want to put my life on the line for them. I screwed up enough, and now look what's happened? They feel like they have to be different around me. They feel like they can't tell me certain things, because I'm going to judge them. Well I know what goes on. I am well aware. And with the things I believe right now... Well things aren't looking good for their eternity. And I don't want to believe in that anymore. I don't want to believe that my best friends aren't going to be with me. I want to die for them. I beg God every day... Send me to Hell instead... GOD! PLEASE! I'm so tired right now! Tired of believing that this world... that everyone and everything I love... it's all useless. That I'm useless. Why does it have to be this way? Why do we have to be lower than dirt? Why do things have to be separated into right and wrong, good and bad? Why is bad even here? You could have stopped it! You could destroy Hell anytime you want! Why do I have to live every moment in fear of the afterlife? People are always saying that these questions have been asked for thousands of years... But these questions are never answered. We can only dodge them with obsolete phrases that mean absolutely nothing in the long run. Every day when I sit in my drawing class, when people start to talk about God... All I can think is.... "what am I doing?" I'm so sick of this. But I can't escape it. I know the truth, and I can't ignore it. I will never be able to escape it. Not in life... not in death. Because the fact is... it's everything. All I want is to live in a world where I can just have fun... Where I can love life. Where I don't have to worry about anything. Where I can be free. Can I talk to Maegan about these things? Is she aware of what she got into when she suggested having a decipleship? I feel sick. All of this acting is wearing me down. Can I just wake up in Haruhi Suzumiya's world? Can I just be her? So careless.... That's what my goal was. I intended to come to college as Haruhi Suzumiya. But I'm to scared to do it. It's to late to do it... four hours away isn't far enough. I need to go farther, lose all of my ties. I want to run away. And I'm going to. I'm going to leave, and I'll create an alternate ego. I will be exactly who I want to be, and I won't have to worry about these ties. What is more important to me? The friendships I've made so far? Or the desire I have to live how I want? After all, Haruhi Suzumiya is a fictional character. Things won't turn out for me the same ways they turn out for her. I'm to tired to write anymore. There is to much emotion.

End.