Don't Read This One

Oh. Oh gosh.

I think I've reached a point. A really serious point. And it scares me a little. Okay, understatement. It scares me a lot. A hella lot. Can I even write this? I mean, I could. I don't have to worry about my parents or close friends seeing it. But I'm not sure if I could look back and read this. Cus I do that, sometimes, you know. Look back on old posts, see where I was at a certain point in my life. I do that on my tumblr. Which, uh... just to distract myself from saying what I'm actually thinking, I'll go ahead and post a link. Its made up of pictures that I take, one a day. The picture best represents the theme of that day. I've gotten really bad about doing it, though. My days lately have been uneventful. Or consisting of the same things over and over again. Anyway, pictures along with quotes, or defining thoughts. Sometimes a song that found a way to weave into my life.

http://allthatslefttodo.tumblr.com

So... Theres that...

Some of my friends actually follow me on that. So I can't post anything too personal on there. And I honestly don't want to write stuff in my book. That would... probably be better? Easier, anyway, than putting stuff on the internet. But I keep reassuring myself that nobody that I know is gonna read it, and that every other person in the world is... well... okay, yes. Is. Not "is reading", just... is. I can't even say it.

But everyone else in the world is. But that doesn't mean I want to. But I do want to. And yet don't, simply because everyone else is.

I'm not making any sense. I don't even think Future Me will be able to interpret.

But I'm dying. Oh my gosh. I'm depressed. I'm legit depressed. How on earth can I say that without saying it? (Oh, wait, I mean, thats not what I was talking about before. This is actually something completely different. I'm going off on tangents. I can't think clearly.) Geeze. What am I supposed to do about that? I don't wanna freaking talk about my feelings. I think about them enough. I run the story through my mind every day. The whole story. I started to tell someone once. But then the morning birds started to sing. Thought maybe we should try to sleep. Never finished the story. Now I don't think it ever will be finished. Nobody deserves to know. Maybe I let pieces slip by... I can't help it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to explode. Or just crumble. Probably something anticlimactic, like that.

So this is probably a horrible time to reach the point that I have, as previously stated, reached. Its rash and unrealistic and will probably hurt... probably? Definitely. This would most definitely cause me more pain in the end. Is that a risk I want to make? Yeah, I almost think it is... would the regret be worth it? Would I regret? Can I just say that I won't regret? I had better do that. If I even mention regret, it becomes a living thing. If you avoid certain emotions, I think they smother and die. So don't mention the 'r' word again. Thats the worst of them.

Because, if anything, I think I would regret not doing this.

Oh, geeze. You're wondering what 'this' is, still. I... Okay... nobody is reading.... nobody is reading... I'm alone, and only ranting to myself...

Don't laugh at me?

Who am I talking to....? I think I'm talking to myself. I'm asking myself not to laugh at me. I'm asking myself not to read. I'm asking myself to not look. Where am I?

I think... I think I wanna have sex with him.

You remember 'him', right? Did I say his name? I did. But I'm not gonna say it this time.

I can't think of what all I've said about him recently. I know for certain I've said I was in pain, since we broke up. So what the hell... This is a horrible idea. And tell me!! If you're a stranger, TELL ME that I'm being an idiot. Unless I've already posted another one saying that I already did it. In that case, you sure as hell better keep those comments to yourself. The 'r' word, you know...

But seriously. Why. Okay... this sounds so dumb... I'm a virgin, right? Why am I a virgin? Good question. No, really.

Of course, it started with the way I was raised. I was always told to save sex for marriage. But I don't think that's why I never did. Because as I was living by that, there was just never a reason for me to give it up. Thats not the reason I never kissed anyone. That was purely out of stubbornness. That, and nobody was good enough. So after I finally got into the situation, by the time I was 19, with previously-mentioned-male, it became a matter of not being ready. I just wasn't ready. I said it was because I wanted to wait until marriage. And... I wonder how long thats been true? I just wasn't... ready. But if I had said that, he would have been waiting for a time I was ready. And I didn't want to battle with that. So by saying I would never be ready, it was easier to avoid.

So, right. Never had sex before. And now that this guy has broken my heart, and basically been toying with me all summer... I want to have sex with him?

What the hell? What the freaking hell?

He was my best friend. And I won't ever be able to forget him. He's leaving soon. Be gone for half a year. Army-whatever thing. He's a virgin, too. How? Like, seriously... how. That question is unanswerable. But this summer has been unbearable for me. I can't be around him anymore. I can't be friends with him anymore. I don't want to see him. Talk to him. Be near him.

So I thought... Maybe... maybe I could just... have sex with him. Then never speak to him again.

This isn't like, some sort of vengeance or way of releasing myself. Its not spiteful, or a sort of hope that maybe we can be happy again. I know we don't have a future. So maybe that's why.. Maybe I just want... I don't know.

Talk me out of it. I know I'm crazy. But I think I want to.