Sickness

"I'll never be happy."

...

That hurt me. It really, really hurt me. I thought maybe it was possible for me to make him happy. I thought maybe he was happy when we were together. Was I wrong about that? Am I wrong to think that maybe I can make a difference? That I can make him enjoy life? I thought I could do that... But what if I can't? What if I'm not? 

That stings. It really does. I'm trying so, so hard. But nothing is ever good enough, is it? 

I don't even remember why he said that. The whole conversation is a blur. With the exception of that one line. 

"So, what you're saying is... its impossible for you to be happy."

"Yep. That's just who I am."

I was silent after that. He changed the subject after a few beats. Back to video games, I think. 

Does he know how much that hurts? How it feels to not be good enough? 

I won't be subject to that... I'm not just something to do when nothing else is satisfying enough. I am not a distraction. 

I feel so sick right now.