Answering with Questions

I. Don't. Know. What. To. Do.

No matter how I say it, it'll sound pathetic. But there isn't any other way to say it! Because no matter how it's said, it all means the same thing! Different words put together to make different sentences that have no difference whatsoever. No way to change the arrangement to make it something less intimidating, less impending, less imposing, less...

Terrifying.

Or perhaps I'm the only one who sees it that way?

Am I the only one who is unable to open up, and let myself feel, for once in my life? I'm sorry, that's an exaggeration.  Heat of the moment drama.  Still, why is it that I keep holding back, when its so obvious that I need to let go? What is it exactly that I'm afraid of?

Lets see.
Theres the possibility that I won't be able to give, and that I will only ever receive, never capable of returning anything close to what I would be basking in unconditionally.
Theres the prospect that it may not work, and I would have lost more than I ever would have gained, leaving me with only regrets of what could have been avoided.
Theres the probability that everything will proceed smoothly, yet deny me what I have only ever wanted in this world.

Or perhaps its growth that I first seek?

There has always been that small gap standing in the way, in which only a little growth would fill.  But who exactly needs to grow?  What needs to grow? It can't be just me that has to make the effort to mature.  Sure, that is undeniable.  But I don't stand alone in this.

After all.
Even this can't stay the same forever, become someday, when the world is just a little bit older, everything will be forced to change.
Even though something is utterly perfect in one condition, changing the setting can and will destroy the utopia, and demand another.
Even a child, who holds innocence, youth, and blissful happiness, is innately wired to desire something different.

Or perhaps I am completely wrong?

Theres of course the obvious direction of which I criticize, claiming that its wrong not to follow through.  But maybe it's wrong of me to criticize? Am I wrong to go into this without feeling the necessary emotions, and instead replacing them with fear?  Am I wrong to fear at all?

It's simple.
Too many times have I ignored everything, pretending that if I close my eyes, I can't see it, and therefore it won't see me.
Too many days have I spend telling myself that the entire situation was something useless to me, and was only needed for others to fulfill themselves.
Too many moments have I chosen to let even the most perfect position pass me by, for fear that it would destroy my carefully built wall.

So what is the outcome here? What is there left to do? How am I supposed to respond, and what is at risk? Is it even worth it? Would I be satisfied if I let this slip by me?

In the end.

It's really something when best friends fall in love.