So, it might be over-exadarating to say that I've been working extremely hard these past couple of weeks. I only work about 4 days a week, but those days are usually packed with overtime. I've been studying a lot more than I did last semester, actually reading text books and such. My homework tends to be stressful. My 3D design project has had it's fair share of issues, which took lots of bike rides and patience to unkink. On top of that, I now wake up early every morning to run. Okay, yeah, its only one mile, but still. Still more, I continue to ride my bike everywhere, from work to Walmart, the neighboring collage library to the animal shelter a few blocks down. All of this... it makes me tired. I'm pretty worn out. So the other day when my throat started to hurt, and I found I was out of Echenasia, I decided to run to the nurse to get some sort of antibacterial spray, so I wouldn't really come down with something. That's just a basic background of how I got to where I am now. When I got to the nurse's office, I asked if I could just grab some sort of medication for my throat. Unfortunately, the lady said I had to fill out some dumb form. Seriously, I just wanted some over-the-counter stuff. However, I reluctantly filled out all of the sheets. There was even a part about my mental stability (that is, whether or not I was depressed). I answered the two questions honestly.
When the nurse called me in, she had to do all of this check-up stuff. I told her I just wanted something to spray in the back of my throat, but she continued asking her questions and doing her procedures. I just sighed and went along with it. Then she got to those two dumb depression references. Seriously, I've never thought I was really depressed. I mean, yeah, I've had my issues, but nothing bad. However, when I left, I began to think about what she had said. There were some things she had mentioned that I hadn't brought up. That is, she had asked if I found little interest in things that I once enjoyed. On the spot, I hadn't really had time to think about it. But now that I've had some time, there are a lot of things I don't really enjoy anymore. A lot of things I'd like to do, but when asked, refuse. I constantly am evaluating myself, hating who I am. I know who I am now, and people like me. I know who I want to be, but nobody wants to accept it. With that, I don't really know where I'm supposed to go (Of course, you're not supposed to worry about what others think, but lets be honest, here. If nobody likes who you are, then how are you going to get along in life? Alone? Really?). My mother always told me that people love me, and follow me. That I'm a leader, and people respect me and want to follow in my footsteps. But why would they? I believe myself to be incredibly boring. If I can't find anything in myself, how is it possible that someone else could?
Am I... depressed?
It's at moments like this that I feel strongly connected to Yuki Sohma. He was constantly admired by everyone in the school, both for his charm and appearance. However, he suffered the same questions I find myself asking.
I can't bring myself to keep on this topic. I know where I'm going with it, but I don't want to continue. I'm to tired to think straight. This whole post feels scattered and misplaced. There are also things I don't want to admit to myself, and I feel like if I keep moving forward in something so public, I might break.
For now... just forget this.
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