L-A-U-G-H

Over Thanksgiving break, I went home for a few days. It was nice being back, sleeping in my own queen-sized bed. I got to eat food that I actually enjoyed, particularly crapes. My best collage friend (the Chinese one) got to come with us, and enjoy her first Thanksgiving feast, although she missed out on the Packer game. However, the entire time, something felt a little wrong... I didn't realize it until later, when I came back home (yes, I now call my dorm 'home'). I only got to see 2/3 of my friends (that is... two of my three friends) while I was there. But even those visits were lacking in intimacy. I don't know what it is, but I feel like my friendships are dissolving. Like for the past year, I've been holding onto a bag of sand with a hole in the bottom, and now I'm left clutching an empty sack, diluting myself to thinking I'm still grasping something. All I strive for is change, and yet I want things to stay the same, like some sort of child. But that's all we are, isn't it?

I've started hanging out with this guy. I'm really afraid that he might like me, but as always, I'll continue to play oblivious until the moment comes. The same way I've always done it, and the same way that's always killed me in the end. But as long as I'm happy for the moment, I'm willing to risk it. He wanted to go to the play that our school was showing tonight. I agreed to go, so long as I was able to finish at least one of my paintings, as I have four that are due in a week. As it is, I was able to complete a pretty sweet portrait of Snow White arm wrestling with a dwarf. Yes, I'm quite proud of it. Every time I glance at it, I chuckle a little to myself. So, we decided to meet at the theater. Luckily, I ran into some friends. I don't really hang out with them much, since they all know each other really well, and I feel like some random yellow banana in a basket of plaid apples. However, when I happen to be in the same place as them, I always have a good time. They're really cool people, though our views on life differ. So the three of them, plus me and my previously mentioned male friend watched a mind-blowing play. Mind-blowing. So mind-blowing, in fact, the only thing left to do was to go to Taco Bell. We enjoyed our artificial meat over various conversations that included topics such as... well... I can't really remember. But for the reader's benefit, I will simply make something up. We talked about what a Hufflepuff was, and the Panda's undying (er... rather... dying) dedication for bamboo (whoa. I just looked up at my bulletin bored and realized that the panda on the zoo pamphlet I have hanging up is eyeing up the bamboo I have sitting on my desk). When we were done eating fake food, we went back to our dorms, each gender to their own building. The two girls and I were walking up the steps when I noticed a bush covered in flowers. I decided to yank one off, as I have a fondness for pretty things. I smelled it, and had nostalgic memories of summer. I decided to share this wonder with the two of them, whom only slightly agreed. When we got to the front door, one of them dared me to throw the flowers at the man sitting at the front desk of the building. I decided that was rather rude, so I would simply hand him the flowers instead. I walked up to him, pink petals in my cupped hands with a friendly smily on my face. I thrust my hands towards him... to which he jumped fifty feet back in his chair with a look of pure horror on his face. It may have been the funnies moment ever. I did not leave until I transferred the petals into his own hands, when he finally decided they were safe enough to touch. The three of us could not stop laughing. It was nice... uncontrollable laughter. I haven't done that in a really long time... And how could I? I mean, yes, I've laughed pretty hard at things. But this was like... we couldn't stop. Maybe the Baja Blast Mountain Dew had something to do with it, but that's beside the point. When your best collage friend is someone whom you can only have short, simple-vocabulary sentences with, it's hard to have an honestly good time. Not that I'm complaining! I'm very happy here! I just... love to laugh. For real.

Before we went to Taco Bell, we had to stop by the dorm so that some of us could grab jackets. I waited in the lobby, since I was warm enough. I was talking to the male friend about how I really don't "hang out" with anyone. I felt kinda bad for basically telling him I didn't want to go do stuff with him, but I have moments of brutal honesty, and that just happened to be one of them. The thing is, would just rather be alone sometimes. That is... most times. But then I realized later on that it wasn't the fact that I didn't like hanging out with people.... it's that I don't like hanging out with guys. It makes me uncomfortable. Because I feel like they're always out for something. Yeah, yeah, all guys want sex, blah blah. But that's not what I'm talking about. All the guys that want to hang out are the ones that want the, in my opinion, really dangerous thing: a relationship. The long-term stuff where you hold hands and talk all cutsie and cuddle and stuff. Ugh. I mean, I can tell the two types of guys apart for the most part, and I feel like I could handle the former kind better. They're easy. If you don't flirt back with them and act almost boyish, they usually get that they aren't getting anything. But the latter... They're harder... They get this determination. I mean, good for them and all... Just please don't do it to me. Man. I seriously bag on these types of people a lot, don't I? Sorry about that. Hah I feel really conceited.

L-A-U-G-H. Who on earth thought to spell it like that? Laff. Laph. Laugh? I mean... it's an English origin. The Oxford Dictionary 'spelling help' section told me how to spell it... "Spell laugh with -augh after the l."

Gee, thanks.