Kitten Eyes at 2am

I am sitting here awake in my bed because I cannot sleep at 2:00 at night. My mind wants to sleep, and I keep reminding myself of all of the homework that I need to do tomorrow. My friends will probably want to do something, but I'll be so busy. My morning will be slept away at the result of my staying up. And yet, here I am, simply for the fact that I have come to an epiphany. I have realized something: I cannot fall in love. It is impossible. And the reason is as thus follows. I have become... one of them. That's right. One of those fanatic girls that refused to date anyone but Edward Cullen. However, I can retain my dignity in comforting myself with the fact that my fiction love interests are nothing like the doting vampire that we have all come to know and envy. In fact, they are rather the opposite. Characters like Mr. Darcy, Kyo Sohma, and (a new addition), Baek Seung Jo. The ones who's smiles are so rare, your heart simply melts when you get the chance to see it. Ah, but my newfound fan-girl characteristics aside, I honestly believe I have taken a turn for the worst. In other words, I have done a complete 180 from what I once was in Jr. High (180, you ask? Why not 360? Well, because that would take me right back to where I began! Math... It has taken over my life.). For those who my have known me, I was utterly desperate to fall in love. It was a dark time. I would always feel the extremes: squealing joy and heart-wrenching pain. Never a settle 'middle'. Now, I look back on those times and chuckle to myself. I hate talking about it, because I realize how ridiculous I was. But now, I am a knew 'ridiculous'. Instead of begging for love, I loath it. And yet, I want nothing more than to be in love. The Taylor Swift kind, where your screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain, where it's 2am and I'm cursing your name. Where I hate somebody so much, there is no other option than to fall in love with them. Yeah... The kind that doesn't exist. Over the years, I've begun to harvest a passion inside me. I hold back screaming on a daily basis. So many things get me fired up. But you would never know that about me. Maybe... maybe the person who finally hears my cries... Hah. Its times like this that I feel like Jane Austen. Does the name sound familiar? It should. She wrote Northanger Abbey, Emma, Sense and Sensibility, and, of course, Pride and Prejudice. Beautiful, passionate love stories. Clearly, a reflection of her own, no? Then again... who else could write something so surreal without the help of previously failed love? Jane was never married. In fact, she swore that all of her characters would never have to suffer what she had suffered, and everything would always end up perfect for them. Ah! So the truth comes out. The characters... they have to fall in love. No matter how unrealistic. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a very good story, would it?

And thus, herein lies the fruit of my problem. I... am not a fiction. This really isn't even about the pathetic fangirl phase. long as I remain stubborn and cold, keeping a tightly closed lid on my life, I cannot fall in love. I have already screwed up perfect things due to my unbelievably stupid nature. But, as I have said many times before, I digress.

Is this really why I got out my computer at, again, 2am?? *sigh*. Unfortunately. There is more to say that is not on the subject, but perhaps another sleepless night. The computer screen has lulled my eyes into a watery glaze. If I don't shut them soon, they may very well melt. That reminds me of a joke...

Owl-What kind of eyeballs are the best?

Me- uh...

Owl- Kitten eyeballs, because they are the squishiest.

As most things do, it made sense while I was sleeping...